trending to slip

i heard this phrase at my last ARP group meeting.

ever since then, i've made it a goal to try to look outside of myself throughout the day to recognize what am i trending towards: are my actions trending me towards another two weeks of sobriety, or am i allowing satan to slowly trick me into a false sense of security as he brings down my defenses and tempts me to give in...

right now im trending to slip

• going back to sleep after waking up (i usually wake up around 6:00am)
• postponing my morning studies for any, even righteous excuses (this week i've had family in town and have spent all my time with them but i shouldn't allow that to keep me from my commitment to my doing my morning dailies)
• telling myself that writing on my blog was good enough to replace writing in my recovery journal
• not putting away my laundry right after its done
• being undisciplined in my nutrition: eating out, missing meals, desserts.
• not immediately replacing my garments after swimming or exercising
• not making my bed every morning
• being on my computer while on my bed (even if it is just to write this blog post)
• checking social media to distract me from feelings of missing and loneliness
• separating myself from others
• feeling alone
• missing d.
• wishing i had someone i could connect with on a physical and emotional and spiritual level

yesterday was like the strongest of satan's advances to make me relapse but it was only that strong because i've allowed him to steadily weaken my defenses through my feelings and my choices which on their own aren't significant enough to cause me to relapse, but when put all together are setting me up to fall.

if you've recognized you're trending to a slip is it possible to UN-trend to slip?! YES!

but it is extremely difficult. it takes twice if not more effort than what you were doing to maintain sobriety before. i look to the war chapters in the book of mormon on how to achieve this.

most of those bullet points, or rather the opposite of those bullet points, represent the boundaries or "cities" that i've built up over time as places of strength and protection. satan's attacks aided by my addiction have overtaken those cities and they are now being used against me as footholds in this war to further his intent of destroying my sobriety.

fighting back to retake those cities is the most difficult part. we can recognize satans attacks and we feel a great success when we're able to resist slipping back into the addictive behavior, but it is not a time to celebrate. it is a time to go back to work and redouble our efforts into fortifying those areas that took damage, to build up those places where we feel vulnerable and to recommit ourselves to go back out and regaining those "cities" that were once places of strength that satan has taken.

the only way for us to go beyond ourselves is by the grace of God and the enabling power of the atonement. the only time the nephites were successful in their wars was when they were humble, relied on the lord for their strength, and their motives were just.

we cannot be content with not relapsing!

just like the lamanites fighting the nephites, satan through this addiction is seeking to destroy me. i will fight back! i will defend that which i value above anything else: my life my righteousness and most importantly my (future) family and i know god will sustain me as i go forward with faith and rely on Him.

see Alma 48:11-17 on how to become like unto Moroni

welcome home

i knew not beforehand what i should do
i merely felt a prompting
a prompting that told me i should call my bishop
to request an interview
with him
and a member of the stake presidency

... for my temple recommend!!!

i had no idea what day they met, what times they hold interviews, they could already be fully scheduled, i worried what might happen if i, my bishop or my stake president felt during our interview that i still wasn't ready... after feeling all this fear and doubt, i said a prayer, and then simply chose to act with faith on my prompting.

i called my bishop early in the morning and expressed to him my desire for a temple recommend interview. he said he'd have to check with the brethren of the stake if they had any time that evening or if i'd need to wait until sunday to set up an appointment. he said he'd call me back once he found out more. i thanked him for his love and efforts on my behalf and that i would be awaiting his call.

the call came about 5:00pm. i was in the shower. when i got out i almost didn't notice the little red number on my phone app indicating someone had called me. but after a second glance it stood out like no app notification has ever stood out before!

i touched the screen over the phone app.
there was one missed call. it was from my bishop.
and he had left a voicemail.
in it he said: hey p. its bishop, hope your day's gone well, wondering what your schedule might look like if we meet tonight at 6:30. gimme a call back and let me know if that works for you.
i called him back
we talked briefly.
he said he would be able to meet with me at 7:00 and told me that president b. was also available tonight to meet with me at 7:45. the timing was almost too perfect that i started to question it for a second. could this really be happening? could i really be getting my temple recommend tonight? this has been something i've waited years for, something that's always seemed so out of reach, something i've worked so diligently to obtain... but am i really ready hold one?
i prayed.
the spirit came over me. 
it was time.

i cried when my bishop asked me if i was living the law of chastity. this was the first time that i've ever known and felt that i was without any questioning or justifications or rationalizations or any sense of doubt in my mind. i dried my eyes, collected myself and smiled as i looked back at my bishop and told him: yes, yes i am. there was a simple confidence and a powerful reassurance from the spirit when it bore testimony to my spirit and to my bishop that God had accepted my sacrifice, that he loves me, that he trusts me, that i have been forgiven, and that i was clean and worthy to enter the temple.

i'm getting emotional again just remembering that moment.

we finished the interview.
he told me how much he loves me and how proud he was of me for all my effort and progress and wanted me to know how much the Lord loved for me and that He trusts me and He recognizes my efforts and dilegence in a way far greater than what my bishop could express.
we hugged. 
i cried a little more in that embrace. 
i then took my little piece of paper that felt so light and fragile in my hands that it seemed if i held it too tightly it would disintegrate into the air. i hurried out the door, got into my vehicle and drove to where the stake president was having his meetings.

president b. was aware of my situation through his correspondence with my bishop. he congratulated me on my new stake calling and expressed his love and respect for all that i've done to prepare myself to return to entering the house of the lord. he told me the lord wants me to know that i have so much to offer to touch and be an influence in the lives of those whom i associate with. we went through the interview. a little more crying. a lot more confirmations from the spirit testifying to me that i'm worthy. i no longer feel weighed down by the fear and doubt and guilt that come from sin. im worthy. I AM WORTHY! (had to repeat it, it feels so good to say)

this was the big plan i alluded to in my post: celebration. i knew there were variables i had no control over but because i had no control over them i knew that i couldn't allow any fear doubt worry or anxiety over those things to hold me back. they were simply outside of my circle of influence and theres nothing i could do to change than. all i could do was to act in faith over the few and small things that were within my power to act upon and rely on God to take care of the rest. and He did. He strengthened me and supported me as i acted on my righteous desires. He cleared the path. He prepared the way. it was only by Him and through Him that this was at all possible. i know He has a plan for me.

president b.'s last words to me as we parted were "welcome home."
i couldn't think of a more perfect phrase.
i know it was the Savior speaking through him in that moment.
i can't wait to celebrate my homecoming!

celebration

i think its important to find things to celebrate.
birthdays and holidays are kind of obligatory occasions of celebration, not to say i don't love celebrating them, because i do, but to me theres just something a little more fun about finding a unique or random reason to celebrate something or someone.

today i celebrate my 14 days of sobriety!

two weeks. it has been a very long two weeks. this time i've been apart from d. has felt like its been longer than the time we were together... the days pass much slower without her in my life.

i have something big planned today for my celebration... im not sure if its entirely possible to do today because it requires a few things that are out of my control... but even if it doesn't happen exactly today, the day it does happen, (which will be very soon) there will be one of the best reasons to celebrate.

i am a son of God. He loves me and He trusts me.
when i am humble i qualify myself for the grace of God and the healing and enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
that is the only way possible to obtain any true sobriety because i of myself am weak, but with the power of the Lord there is nothing i can't do.
i love this gospel and know its true
i love feeling the promptings of the Holy Ghost
i love receiving personal revelation
i love my journal
i love my Heavenly Father and my elder brother Jesus Christ
and i love all of you who are working through your own recovery and/or supporting and sustaining those you love in their's.
you're really something special.

inception

i feel like im in the movie inception: this dream that ive spent the past year creating with d. is now collapsing all around me and im forced to just watch it all break apart. 

panic anxiety fear distress confusion hurt regret bargaining stress loneliness sadness are just a few of my emotions

... but they all seem to relate in some way to the feeling of not having any control in the outcome

d. says she loves me, but her conviction to follow the feeling that breaking up is whats right for her right now is stronger and she's putting all her effort into acting on that feeling... like actively seeking out new suitors... good for her. the clearest feeling/impression/revelation ive recieved through all this is simply that i need to respect her agency. so thats what im trying to do.

with as extremely uncomfortable as this experience has been, what i'm starting to learn is the more uncomfortable an experience the more opportunities for learning, practice and progress.

a few of my personal thoughts/feelings

• i struggled to feel worthy; even after i was given a calling and weekly partaking of the sacrament; my addiction, my sobriety (or lack thereof) and especially not holding a current temple recommend seemed to hang over me
• when expectations rule our lives we set ourselves up for disappointment. i need to be loved as who i am right now: with all my strengths and all my weaknesses. im beginning to fear that my mother is the only woman capable of doing that. i don't want to imply that i don't plan on improving myself and developing my abilities as a man, a priesthood holder and, hopefully in the future, as a husband and a father. because i do. i don't ever want to stop learning, improving and developing. but i know i will never stand in comparison to my potential. he beats me in literally every category, always. you cant expect your man to fit into the mold of your ideal perfect husband. we'll never fit. we want to fit! but we just can't. trying to fit into the mold of a perfect husband left me feeling inadequate and frustrated and that i wasn't good enough. 

practice: try instead of fitting your significant other into your perfect husband molding and build the mold of your ideal husband around your man as he is now. then support him, nurture him, feed him (literally and figuratively haha) follow him as he follows the savior and not only will his confidence improve but you might also see him in a different light as he now exceeds expectations instead of never living up to them.

• imbalances create tension, tension creates points of weakness, satan is aware of and focuses his attacks at our points of weakness. these imbalances are created by not "being on the same page" as your significant other. the only way to make up the differences in those imbalances is to communicate and make adjustments to goals/expectations. if those goals/expectations aren't adjusted tension will only continue to increase until it reaches a breaking point.
• it is in everyones nature to resist being controlled or having their agency limited. this becomes a little more obvious when we remember the fact that all of us who are on this earth fought before this life to maintain our right to agency and rejected satan's plan even though it guaranteed us a spot back in heaven. this is why children resist subtle positive manipulation (7 Habits) and why codependency can be such a hindrance to the addict. 

i don't wanna lay down on the train tracks, but i know im the one that planted the idea in her head with the fear the fights the hurt and the lies. there seems to be nothing i can say or do that will have any effect on getting another chance to be with her at this point in time to repair and rebuild and restore the good we had and continue to create and construct the life we wanted, we planned, we dreamed of...

youre waiting for a train

a train that will take you far away

you know where you hope this train will take you

but you don't know for sure

yet it doesn't matter...

because you'll be together

growing pains

i went to my therapist this afternoon intent on asking him to refer me to someone who could prescribe me some sort of medication to help with my problems (see: sunrise in the mountains). i was looking for an easy way out. we talked and he told me what i needed to hear, even though it wasnt what i wanted to hear. he didn't just come out and say it but he pretty much completely ignored my request. then while we talked the thought came to my mind that some magical pill wouldn't give me the benefit i was wanting. he expressed that it doesn't matter what you're feeling or even how strong you're feeling it, you always have a choice. the first step to better enable your power of choice is eliminating the word "cant".

anytime you want to say "i cant" replace it with "its difficult for me to" - its pretty empowering. some things may be harder to do than others, but you are still able.

my test in this life was to see how well i would stay true and faithful to my covenants through all the uncomfortable/difficult/trying situations and hardships i face. pornography has been my escape from those uncomfortable feelings and situations. the thing that was the most difficult to come to terms with i best understood in a comparison to fitness and exercise.

in order to see any results with exercise you have to push your body to do more than what it is accustomed to. you must go outside of your comfort zone and into the uncomfortable if you hope to exceed your current abilities. all the uncomfortable situations and feelings i go through in this life are merely the times i am been placed in an environment where i am given an opportunity to progress and grow.

my anxiety problems are based in fear
my fear is based in a lack of preparation
     - D&C 38:30 "... if ye are prepared ye shall not fear"
my lack of preparation is based in shying away from uncomfortable situations
my addiction to pornography has conditioned me to avoid those uncomfortable situations.

i thought on how many times i had used my addiction to escape those moments of discomfort and how all this time i've actually been cheating myself out of so many opportunities to grow and become stronger. to get better at enduring and succeeding through my uncomfortable situations/feelings/emotions i need to allow myself to more fully experience those uncomfortable situations/feelings/emotions. it finally hit me that its not about controlling my thoughts, controlling my emotions, controlling my actions, its not about control at all. its about giving up the idea of needing to control everything and accepting that i can have these uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, feelings and situations but i still am able choose to act and not be acted upon. it just takes practice. a lot of practice. but practice is something i can definitely do.

things aren't as bad as satan would have me believe.

i'm close to becoming the man God wants me to be and everyday im getting closer. 
practice makes perfect.
im off to practice.

sunrise in the mountains

i love waking up early
i love the sun to be my alarm clock
i hate the dark and cold of winter

if youve ever gone camping in mountains, youve probably noticed how different the sunrise is in that environment than a sunrise on the coast.  looking over the ocean, you notice the gradual change from darkness to light and then soon can see the sun slowly rising up on the horizon.  in a mountain setting the light begins to increase and grow, but the sun remains hidden from view.  the high mountains block the sun and keep you in their shadow much later into the morning.  its not until the sun is finally able to climb high enough into the sky to overcome their height that you are brought out of the shadows.

i thought of this as i reflected on my current break up with d. and how its forced me to do a lot of self introspection and to try and see things from a different point of view than my own skewed-by-pride-and-sin perspective.

she helped me climb out of the dark little crevice i had been living in, and my environment began to increase in light.  however, i was still in the shadows behind the mountain of my addiction.  as hard as this separation has been on me, i know it fails in comparison to how difficult and demoralizing it must have been dealing with me and my problems on a daily basis and my inability to love and respect d. in the way that she deserves to be loved and respected. as much as i wanted to and tried to and even though at times i was successful in showing my love, i was unable to do so consistently and constantly enough. what ive come to realize is that it never was because of any lack of will to love and respect her, but there seemed to be something out of my control that kept my actions from being in sync with my desires.

this breakup seems to be the metaphorical sun breaking over the mountain of my addiction and has brought to light a few things that i was just unable to see or didn't want to fully admit while still under the shadows of pornography.

i suffer from depression
im pretty sure i have ADD
i have severe anxiety problems

now that i have been able to recognize and admit these issues, i am going to try and seek out help in treating/managing/controlling them with the intent to increase in my ability of eliminating the discrepancies between what i want and what i do so that my actions will more perfectly reflect my desire

crying exercise

i am a certified personal trainer.
i love to be active and exercise
working out is also my most constructive beneficial way i have of dealing with stress
yesterday i went to the gym planning on working out some of my emotions on the weights
i knew the exercise would be therapeutic for me
went into the basketball court for my usual warm up
sat on the ground
got my jump rope out of my bag

and completely lost it...

i broke down
curled up
huddled
hiding in a corner of the gym
sobbing uncontrollably

this gym was where i got my first job as a trainer and a month later met d.
it was where we had worked and sweated and made plans together
it was where our relationship had started
and in this moment it was where i could no longer fight back or ignore the feeling that my relationship with her was ended

i cried
and i cried
and i cried
and i cried until there was a long enough pause between sobs to text my best-friend 
he answered my distress call and rushed over to the gym to be with me and support me
and i cried with him sitting there next to me on the dusty floor of the court
and i cried
and i cried

the only exercise i got at the gym that day was crying

lost on a trail

back to surviving on my own
we're done
d. ended our relationship yesterday
well for me i was officially given notice of its termination yesterday
after unofficially learning about it through facebook and a subsequent text

for her its been over since saturday.
more than a year of building and working and struggling and growing and progressing our relationship with the goal to go through the temple together to be sealed for time and all eternity, is now gone... 

the worst part is i had to find out from her changing her facebook status that on saturday when she had said in a text she wanted a "break" she didn't mean some time apart to prevent us from having a destructive argument, to cool down emotionally, get back together and work out our differences. she actually meant a separation, cutting ties, moving on with her life kind of "break"... to find out in that manner made me feel completely worthless... 

i still feel completely worthless

trust. no matter how much time you spend working and cultivating and trying to grow a little trust, if its not given a place to grow... it cant grow.
"if there is little or no trust, there is no foundation for permanent success" (7 Habits). when d. came over yesterday to tell me in person it was over between us, i asked her if she trusted me... 

she emphatically responded with ease, "NO."

is my character so flawed that she perceives everything i do as manipulative?
was being completely open an honest about any and all of my sins
even telling her my darkest secret that i knew would hurt her, break down the trust, but hoped it would give us a more perfect foundation to grow on
putting on a web filter
giving her control of the filter
getting a sponsor
meeting with a therapist once a week
meeting with my bishop bi-weekly
going to ARP meetings every week
keeping a journal every day
writing a blog
doing my dailies

was everything im doing as part of my addiction recovery just some subconscious impulse to try and manipulate d. into trusting me? because none of it did anything to grow for her any trust in me... 

is it possible to grow trust? where are the instructions? or is something that just magically happens? none of my methods seemed to grow any. i don't know if she ever really trusted me... i know she believes me when im open and honest, but theres a fundamental difference between believing and trusting.

believing: accepting something as true
trusting: having a firm reliance on the integrity, ability and/or character of 
someone/something

im afraid she wouldn't ever really allow herself to trust me until she knew for a fact that i was 100% completely and utterly cured from this addiction; when there wasn't even the remote possibility for a slip to occur... is that even trust though?

i dont know

what i do know is i was alone and lost and d. found me in the deepest darkest and most isolated secluded forest of my life, she found me.
not only did she find me, but she was actually willing to be there and walk with me through that shadowy wilderness i'd been trapped in for so long. 

i didn't know even know how to walk at first. i dragged my feet, i tripped, i fell, i slipped off the path... but she was there to pick me up, clean the dirt and blood from my knees, wipe the tears off my face and help me keep moving forward.  she found and guided me onto this path of recovery and repentance. i know she was heaven sent. im a wolf in sheep's clothing that wounded my sweet loving companion. even with the progress i've made im still too tameless a beast to treat her in the way a women as special as she is deserved to be loved and treated.

ive lost her. ive chased her away.

the person whos hands i most want to hold
eyes i most want to see
lips i most want to kiss
voice i most want to hear
love i most want to feel
during the nights we'd spend talking
making plans for our new adventures
awaiting anxiously the start of day 
to resume our journey together with her by my side

now there is no one next to me
i have no one to travel with
im alone... again

i am still walking
ive come too far into the light to retreat back into the darkness again.
im just not walking as fast or with as much purpose and direction today

not meet for man to travel alone in the wilderness

so last night i was doing my daily gospel study in the library and i got a text from my mom. she told me how much she loved me, that she was thinking of me and praying for me. i read it, a smile came over my face, made a mental note to reply once i finished, moved my phone back to where it was and continued my studies. however, no more than mere moments passed when i began to feel this unusual sense of calmness and peace that came over me. i acknowledged the feeling, but wasn't entirely sure of the reason for it.

then a thought entered my mind. i had the impression that my mother's prayers were similar in power to a father's blessing. it seemed like an interesting idea that i decided to share with my mom in a text, added that i loved her, and went back to studying.

then came a testimony. a completely unexpected witness from the Holy Ghost who decided i was worthy to be taught about the divinity of women. you women are truly amazing. i hate how much this addiction so easily lends itself to objectifying and devaluing their heavenly worth -- there really is something extremely sacred about womanhood. i was impressed by a sense of the preciousness of the daughters of our Heavenly Father. i've never felt such a profound reverence as i did then contemplating the special role females play in this eternal plan of happiness. 

i found myself praying and wishing to keep this same overwhelming appreciation and respect with me always!  i knew that it would be literally impossible to allow myself to look through the selfish and sexually objectifying lens which this addiction tries to force my vision.

And then a revelation of truth: it is possible to always feel this way!