04 December 2014

40 days and 40 nights

endured my longest streak since i can remember of abstaining from masturbating and pornography.

six long weeks.

the days were long, but the weeks seemed to pass by with more ease than they had in a while.

most of that sobriety can be credited to the fact that i was talking with someone all day every day all night with whom i had very strong feelings for in the past and again recently. it was an amazing feeling being completely open and never feeling like i had to hide any aspects of my past or current struggles. it felt so free and comfortable and i loved it.

43 days i lasted. felt pretty accomplished with it.

but recently certain circumstances have changed and as of now we are no longer talking and im left feeling frustrated hurt and alone.

i know im not "alone" in the sense that there are people who support me and want me to be happy and successful in my goals and dreams.

but when i wake up, when i come home, when i go to bed, i'm alone.

and im not sure what to do about it.

do i try and find a way to be happy in my solitude?
or do i try and use the negative feeling as a motivation to make new friends?

or what i've found to be the best option when seemingly faced with two options, a combination of both.

theres always more options than the obvious ones. the difficult of choice lies in deciding where to invest your efforts.

during those 6 weeks all of my efforts were in talking with this female interest, work, and exercise. and even thou i'm being somewhat successful in my other categories of effort its the loss of the love interest thats having the most affect on me.

and being able to observe that has lead me to the realization that there are 2 questions i desperately would love to know the answer to.

1 - how to feel the joy of success over the misery of loss/failure

2 - how to find happiness in loneliness

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