treating my emotional appendicitis

i eat healthy.
i exercise... sometimes too much.
i say my prayers.
i read my scriptures.
i go to church.
i set goals.
i plan my day.
i have every righteous intention of doing what i know i need to do to live a happy healthy and successful life...

but i can't. 

it is literally the most frustrating thing in the world to see this huge discrepancy between what i feel i'm capable of doing and desiring nothing more than to act on those righteous intentions, and then just not being able to...

my life has become unmanageable

met with my therapist today.
we talked for around 30 minutes about what i've gone through with the recent and not so recent events in my life.
he then handed me a short questionnaire to fill out.
i scored in the mid 60's.
anything 50 or above is considered to be severe clinical depression.

as of this afternoon 
i was diagnosed 
by a professional psychologist 
with:

"severe" clinical depression.

so theres that...

i guess it is a relief to finally bring whats been holding me back for so long out of the dark and into the light so i can address it and hopefully through the medication i just received and working with my therapist in conjunction with my addiction recovery, finally break free from the vicious cycle that's held me captive and impeded my progress for all these years.

onward and upward

guide to recovery

so tuesday night was volleyball tryouts for a competitive team that i've been excitedly anticipating. this summer i was consistently exercising for at least an hour every day, 6 days a week but when i woke up the morning after tryouts my body felt like i had been thrown down a mountainside haha 

i was sore all over.

so i did what i know i needed to do so i could properly recover from the high demands that competing at this level required in order to go out and compete at that same level again at practice the next day:

• made sure i slept at least 7 hours
• did a warm up and stretched for 15-20 minutes
• bought ACE bandages and a cold compress
• iced my shoulder and elbow
• put icy hot (which is one of my all-time favorite smells) on my calf and shoulder
• put my rice heating pad on my lower back
• took Aleve to preemptively battle any inflammation
• ate a good meal
• drank a ton of water
• scheduled an appointment w/ a massage therapist

at last nights practice, thanks to my time and effort i put into recovery, i was fresh and strong and able to compete and play at an even higher level than i did on tuesday which helped to solidify my spot on the "A" team. Woot! Woot!

you may not know this, but physiologically when you exercise you're actually breaking down your muscle. thats what exercise does; it damages your muscle fibers. thats why exercising isn't what makes you stronger. it imposes a demand that your body will then work to adapt to, but where you actually gain your strength from is after your body has repaired and fortified those muscles against future demands.

recovery is just as important as the exercising.

naturally this lead me to thinking about my addiction "recovery" and what inferences i could gain to help in my spiritual recovery. so id like to share 5 important lessons i've learned.

1. recovery is not passive - recovery takes effort. the more effort you put into recovering, the more effort you'll be able to put into overcoming and resisting and enduring the trials and temptations. the 12 steps are just that, steps. you can't take a step without making an effort. recovery works to the degree you work recovery.

2. you need a place of refuge where you can rest - find/create a safe place. somewhere you can be free from the trials and temptations of this world and seek Christ and give yourself time to heal. examples: temple, outdoors, gym, anywhere with your bestfriend, etc.

psalms 9:9 the Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble 

3. eat of the bread of life and drink of the living waters - daily gospel study and weekly church attendance to all your meetings. the living waters are a representation of Christ and His teachings. water is essential to life, and physical recovery, just as constantly studying the doctrines and principles of the gospel are essential to spiritual life and recovery. Jesus is also the bread of life in that his atonement is the only thing that can save us from death, both physical and spiritual. every week in sacrament meeting we literally eat bread in remembrance of His sacrifice.

john 6:35 and Jesus said unto them, i am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst

4. be preemptive against satan's efforts to inflame you - build up your righteous defenses. seek to exercise faith in all that you do before you're faced with a trial of your faith. set boundaries, put on content filters, reach out to friends/family/sponsor, make the decision to protect yourself from sin before sin is already affronting you. put on the armor of god before battle, not during.

ephesians 6:16 above all, taking the shield of faith wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked

5a. schedule an appointment with a professional - meet with your spiritual specialist: your bishops. They are divinely called and set apart as judges in israel to cleanse the church from iniquity and help those who sin find their way back onto the path of righteousness. not a single one of my bishops ive ever met with knew anything about addiction or addiction recovery. they just knew porn was bad and against the law of chastity. they are imperfect men who are not specialists in what we're going through, but it was an opportunity for me to exercise my faith and even when i haven't felt i necessarily gained anything from meeting him, i have been able to feel of his love and desire to help me and of the love that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks "the bishop is the judge and the shepherd who has the power of discernment and the right to revelation and inspiration for the guidance of the flock."

5b. schedule an appointment with a professional - don't be afraid to meet with a therapist/counselor. Elder Holland gave an amazing talk during the Saturday afternoon session of general conference this last weekend titled Like a Broken Vessel. there are professionals in dealing with mental health issues and addiction is a disease of the mind. it is not a weakness to seek professional help to recover. 

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland "if you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. so too with emotional disorders. our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation."

hopefully this guide can be a help as you seek out your own recovery whether it be from addiction, abuse, betrayal, or any other emotional and spiritual damaging situation/condition.

remember that you cannot recover yourself. even with physical recovery i can make every effort to create an environment conducive to my body recovering, but it is this amazing wonderful body that recovers by God's divine design. so too must our spiritual recovery be. it is our responsibility to make every effort we can to create an environment conducive to allowing Christ and His spirit into our lives because He is the only one who can truly recover us.

self talk and affirmations

so last night and today i've thought a lot about "self talk"

if you're unfamiliar with what "self talk" is, you can read a little more about it here

but basically its the little voice inside your head which will tend to either be negative (you're not good at that...) or positive (you got this!)

mine is predominantly negative and extremely critical. for example i may or may not have a mild case of BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). i can finally reach my goal weight and a decent body fat percentage after exercising and being extremely disciplined with my nutrition, but when i look in the mirror i only see things i want to change/improve and my self talk tells me i'm not good enough and all these things wrong with me.

the interesting paradox is when i'm training someone i use that same hyper observant ability to analyze what they are wanting to change and come up with ways on how we'd accomplish that but my attitude is encouraging and motivating and completely positive and any criticism i give to a client is constructive and meant to better enable them to reach their goals. 

a complete 180 of my own "self talk".

i would love for that genuine, positive, passionate, building, motivating energy that i have when helping other people reach their goals to be characteristic of my "self talk" as i work towards achieving my own goals. 

the good news is that apparently you can practice positive self talk and get rid of the negative self talk. yay!

so one way i'm trying to affect a change in my "self talk" is with self affirmations. these are my 10 that i will try and say to myself in the mirror after i shower every morning. i do want to point out that these are not meant to be permanent and i plan on continually editing/revising/updating them as i, my circumstances and my self talk continue to change. enjoi.

• i live my life with #constantconsistency: i am diligent in the time and effort i put towards achieving my goals and performing all of my responsibilities at the highest level i can.
• i am a son of God. He loves me, He trusts me, and He has a plan for me.
• i love exactly who i am right now at this very moment in time
• i am athletic attractive capable valuable and worthy. i am worthy.
• no matter how angry, frustrated or emotional i am, i always have the ability to choose what i say and how i act.
• i enjoy my life my profession my education and my relationships with my family and friends
• the pressure to perform is so exciting and stimulating to me that the more difficult something is, the more i excel.
• i am proud of the talents and abilities God has blessed me with and strive to use and develop them to be an instrument in His hands to bless the lives of those around me.
• because i sincerely care about myself and the quality of my life i am financially responsible.
• the trials and hardships i face are merely steps to climb guiding me onward and upward towards reaching my true potential.