lost on a trail

back to surviving on my own
we're done
d. ended our relationship yesterday
well for me i was officially given notice of its termination yesterday
after unofficially learning about it through facebook and a subsequent text

for her its been over since saturday.
more than a year of building and working and struggling and growing and progressing our relationship with the goal to go through the temple together to be sealed for time and all eternity, is now gone... 

the worst part is i had to find out from her changing her facebook status that on saturday when she had said in a text she wanted a "break" she didn't mean some time apart to prevent us from having a destructive argument, to cool down emotionally, get back together and work out our differences. she actually meant a separation, cutting ties, moving on with her life kind of "break"... to find out in that manner made me feel completely worthless... 

i still feel completely worthless

trust. no matter how much time you spend working and cultivating and trying to grow a little trust, if its not given a place to grow... it cant grow.
"if there is little or no trust, there is no foundation for permanent success" (7 Habits). when d. came over yesterday to tell me in person it was over between us, i asked her if she trusted me... 

she emphatically responded with ease, "NO."

is my character so flawed that she perceives everything i do as manipulative?
was being completely open an honest about any and all of my sins
even telling her my darkest secret that i knew would hurt her, break down the trust, but hoped it would give us a more perfect foundation to grow on
putting on a web filter
giving her control of the filter
getting a sponsor
meeting with a therapist once a week
meeting with my bishop bi-weekly
going to ARP meetings every week
keeping a journal every day
writing a blog
doing my dailies

was everything im doing as part of my addiction recovery just some subconscious impulse to try and manipulate d. into trusting me? because none of it did anything to grow for her any trust in me... 

is it possible to grow trust? where are the instructions? or is something that just magically happens? none of my methods seemed to grow any. i don't know if she ever really trusted me... i know she believes me when im open and honest, but theres a fundamental difference between believing and trusting.

believing: accepting something as true
trusting: having a firm reliance on the integrity, ability and/or character of 
someone/something

im afraid she wouldn't ever really allow herself to trust me until she knew for a fact that i was 100% completely and utterly cured from this addiction; when there wasn't even the remote possibility for a slip to occur... is that even trust though?

i dont know

what i do know is i was alone and lost and d. found me in the deepest darkest and most isolated secluded forest of my life, she found me.
not only did she find me, but she was actually willing to be there and walk with me through that shadowy wilderness i'd been trapped in for so long. 

i didn't know even know how to walk at first. i dragged my feet, i tripped, i fell, i slipped off the path... but she was there to pick me up, clean the dirt and blood from my knees, wipe the tears off my face and help me keep moving forward.  she found and guided me onto this path of recovery and repentance. i know she was heaven sent. im a wolf in sheep's clothing that wounded my sweet loving companion. even with the progress i've made im still too tameless a beast to treat her in the way a women as special as she is deserved to be loved and treated.

ive lost her. ive chased her away.

the person whos hands i most want to hold
eyes i most want to see
lips i most want to kiss
voice i most want to hear
love i most want to feel
during the nights we'd spend talking
making plans for our new adventures
awaiting anxiously the start of day 
to resume our journey together with her by my side

now there is no one next to me
i have no one to travel with
im alone... again

i am still walking
ive come too far into the light to retreat back into the darkness again.
im just not walking as fast or with as much purpose and direction today