"the only thing that never changes is that everything changes" - louis l'amor
this past year has been one full of change for me.
change of calling
change of employment
change of roommates
change of hobbies: now into running and firearms
change of facial hair: growing a beard
change of college: BYU to UVU
change of church status: full membership with a temple recommend
change of relationship status: from progressing towards marriage with someone to progressing towards marriage on my own
but the one thing i've wanted to change more than any of all that and have spent time and effort and tears, wishing and trying and struggling to change, is this godforsaken addiction.
i don't want it.
i don't.
but i cant seem to get rid of it.
i've been through a lot of change.
i'm changing still.
but its not enough. its never enough.
i feel like i'm stuck in a tar pit.
i can't imagine, i would never wish, for another righteous beautiful young woman searching for her mr. right to become such an important part of my life and be hurt and stained by this tar that has me trapped.
hopefully one day i'll have changed enough to be free and clean from this filth to become the future love of my life's mr. right.
but for now i'm still mr. wrong
You're mourning a fallen hurdle that you can't pick up. No matter how hard you want to, you can't. But you CAN pick yourself up.
ReplyDeleteFight. Fight hard.
"We fight, we lose, we get up, and fight again." - Some guy in the revolutionary war.
love the quote.
Deletethanks sidreis. i do replay and hold on to mistakes a lot more than i should.
ive fought over some very trivial things... this is something definitely worth my effort even tho it feels like this addiction fights back
We all do!! On and on the quote. It's interesting. The battle I speak of, within the revolutionary war... they actually lost that battle. The one where he kept fighting and losing, but getting back up and fighting again. They LOST that battle... BUT, they were able to pick Cornwallis's army down SO much, that it was a turning point in the entire war - and we ended up winning. Such an inspiring story. I LOVE it!
DeleteI know exactly how you feel. We just have to keep getting back up and moving forward.
ReplyDeleteonward and upward! right? i gotta stay true to my life mantra: #constantconsistency
DeleteYeah I hear ya - it really stinks. Keep reminding yourself that recovery is possible and is worth it. Because it is. It just takes a long time and a lot of refining. Hang in there and keep taking it a day at a time.
ReplyDeletei think thats the hardest part of this last slip was that i lost sight and forgot my own worth .
Deleteremember remember is so hard when its so easy to forget.
no wonder the sacramental prayers are in remembrance and for us to remember Him
Some of those changes are awesome!!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you might be using your addiction to define you. I have met MANY male addicts in recovery when my PASG meetings used to be mixed. Oh, I learned so much from those men, but do you know what stood out for me most of all? They helped me understand that there ARE good men in this world, and maybe, just maybe, I'll be lucky enough to marry a man like one of these men. I loved their humility, their willingness and determination to try again and again and again. Even though I only saw them in one capacity- a pornography addiction support group- I knew they were SO MUCH MORE than their addiction. And so are you. In fact, our addictions are very small piece of a huge pie! There are so many other things about you that make you a wise choice of a companion for some lucky young lady.
That said, I agree that this addiction should not be dragged into your marriage, but for that matter, it's always going to be, in some small way, a part of you. The things you learn from recovery will change you forever. So, regardless of your sobriety, this addiction will be a small part of you forever, meaning that you can't really wait till it's out of your life since it's PART of your life, you know? But, marriage is hard enough w/o active addictions of one or both spouses.
Don't shortchange yourself! You're not Mr. Wrong. You'd probably be a better husband than half the husbands in the world, addiction notwithstanding. Not that I can possibly know that about you, but I'm pretty sure that while you might not yet be Mr. Right, you're also not Mr. Wrong.
I'm babbling. Don't be so hard on yourself. See the addiction for what it really is, yes. But, don't forget to see YOU as you really are, through God's eyes, while you're at it.
its so nice to hear things from another perspective. even more so when theyre positive and uplifting like this. Thanks for this message Stephanie! (and it didn't come off a lil creepy to me at all haha)
DeleteI just read my comment and realized it may come off as a little creepy. :O It wasn't a proposal, I swear!!
ReplyDeleteSheesh. :/
tough gig bro. Here's what I had to do. You are just going to have to stop worrying about marriage right now. Your main focus is to get some stability. I'm seeing your sobriety...1 day. Not much. I can rag you because I am a complete addict. Lately i have almost 2 months of sobriety. I'm not completely stable. I think Stephanie is right...for the most part we will always be addicts, but like Nate, you can get sobriety. Two options: rack up some sobriety while you can focus on it (not married) or deal with the initial battles with a girl involved (you have been through that).
ReplyDeleteI am starting to get back into dating. In fact, i've got a girlfriend now. I'm a bit anxious about having to tell 'the story' and what not. but right now, i can't be stressing about that. We have to live in the present. We just have to!! We gotta just worry about today. And pray our guts out and let this recovery transform us. We have an opportunitiy here. yes, an opportunity. This recovery process is teaching us to control our passions, our tempers, our over-reactions, our resentments, more patience, more empathy. Heck, I am learning everything through this process. But yes, we want the damn thing to go away!!! But it won't!!! Not unless we do our part!!
But don't forget that your part alone will never be enough. Sucks to hear, but we have to be willing to tap into every resource, 'go to any lengths', and then....some sort of miracle occurs. It just does!
thats what im doing. im not worrying about marriage. hence the "mr. wrong". my priorities in no particular order are my education, my fitness and my recovery.
Delete