i went to my therapist this afternoon intent on asking him to refer me to someone who could prescribe me some sort of medication to help with my problems (see: sunrise in the mountains). i was looking for an easy way out. we talked and he told me what i needed to hear, even though it wasnt what i wanted to hear. he didn't just come out and say it but he pretty much completely ignored my request. then while we talked the thought came to my mind that some magical pill wouldn't give me the benefit i was wanting. he expressed that it doesn't matter what you're feeling or even how strong you're feeling it, you always have a choice. the first step to better enable your power of choice is eliminating the word "cant".
anytime you want to say "i cant" replace it with "its difficult for me to" - its pretty empowering. some things may be harder to do than others, but you are still able.
my test in this life was to see how well i would stay true and faithful to my covenants through all the uncomfortable/difficult/trying situations and hardships i face. pornography has been my escape from those uncomfortable feelings and situations. the thing that was the most difficult to come to terms with i best understood in a comparison to fitness and exercise.
in order to see any results with exercise you have to push your body to do more than what it is accustomed to. you must go outside of your comfort zone and into the uncomfortable if you hope to exceed your current abilities. all the uncomfortable situations and feelings i go through in this life are merely the times i am been placed in an environment where i am given an opportunity to progress and grow.
my anxiety problems are based in fear
my fear is based in a lack of preparation
- D&C 38:30 "... if ye are prepared ye shall not fear"
my lack of preparation is based in shying away from uncomfortable situations
my addiction to pornography has conditioned me to avoid those uncomfortable situations.
i thought on how many times i had used my addiction to escape those moments of discomfort and how all this time i've actually been cheating myself out of so many opportunities to grow and become stronger. to get better at enduring and succeeding through my uncomfortable situations/feelings/emotions i need to allow myself to more fully experience those uncomfortable situations/feelings/emotions. it finally hit me that its not about controlling my thoughts, controlling my emotions, controlling my actions, its not about control at all. its about giving up the idea of needing to control everything and accepting that i can have these uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, feelings and situations but i still am able choose to act and not be acted upon. it just takes practice. a lot of practice. but practice is something i can definitely do.
things aren't as bad as satan would have me believe.
i'm close to becoming the man God wants me to be and everyday im getting closer.
practice makes perfect.
im off to practice.
Yes, yes, yes! So well said, and I can so well relate. Just ten days ago I was so depressed, it was so debilitating I thought seriously on getting meds. But I too, had the same realization that I only feel this way when I'm in my addiction! And getting meds realistically wouldn't cover up, or rather take care of the things I was avoiding.
ReplyDeleteA lot of what you says supports Brene Brown's work: that in order to be better at enduring and succeeding I need to allow myself to be vulnerable.
Thank you! And i love that you were able to find a way out of the depression "on your own" (obviously with divine help) like i was and not have to rely on some foreign substance to pull you out! theres something empowering about struggling to find a way through the trials without taking any shortcuts.
Deletei might need to look into Brene Brown. it makes perfect sense. i imagine trying to "protect" myself is like barricading myself in behind my defenses to hold strong in my current views and beliefs but when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable we allow ourselves to be open to those learning/changing/growing experiences.
"Get comfortable with being uncomfortable" - Jillian Michaels
You have some real excellent points in this post. Love it! Love that you recognize that your fear is from lack of preparation... not to be confused with lack of preparation for the actual event, because often we have no clue what is about to hit us, but more lack of preparation in solidifying our foundation.
ReplyDeleteAlso that you point out that Satan makes things SO.MUCH.BIGGER than they really are... it's really an understatement. He's such a master at that isn't he? Sheesh.
Anyway, love this post.
Also just have a suggestion... to maybe make the font bigger on your posts, it's difficult to read the small text and I fear it might deter some readers from staying long enough to read your awesomeness. Just a thought!
suggestion taken, and implemented!
Deleteso true. it really is crazy how easily he can manipulate our perspective to the point that its almost like were looking through a microscope, zoomed in so far that all we see are these GIANT issues that we can never overcome. he really is the great deceiver.
thanks for the comment!