cecret lake

cecret lake, albion basin, ut

went on a hike up to cecret lake this past weekend with some friends. one of the girls that came with was a little bit unconditioned for physical activity. we had to make multiple stops along the way so she could catch her breath but that wasn't a problem at all. i'd never been up here before so i was taking it all in and the hike was meant to be enjoyed and not a strenuous workout. however, at one point she got extremely light headed and turned quite pale. i made sure she sat down got some water and ate something and then we all waited for her to start to look and feel better... and we waited... and waited...

the steepest part of the trail was in front of us and i could imagine how intimidating this unknown length of switchbacks might have appeared. none of us had been on this hike before so we had no idea how much farther we'd have to travel and i wondered if all of us would be able to make it. i had a feeling we were close tho and as i usually do when i'm just sitting around i got pretty antsy. i needed to get up and do something. so i decided i'd hurry and run the rest of the way to see how far away we were and then run back. 

little did i know that this gorgeous lake was literally just out of our sight on the other side of this last little climb which was no more than 50 yds or so away. we were so close. and yet because we couldn't see the destination and were unfamiliar with the area we stopped and waited for over 30 minutes.

it was important for her to rest and recover, but i have to assume that had we known how close we actually were to the lake, we wouldn't have sat there and waited in the shadow of the hill on the side of the dusty trail for so long and instead would have pushed through that last little difficult part of the climb and spent that time resting while we enjoyed our intended destination: the beautiful scenic area that is cecret lake.

i see myself as the girl in that situation in regards to my recovery from this annoyingly degrading and debilitating and destructive addiction that i hate hate hate hate that i have. i feel like ive been on the side of this trail trying to catch my breath for a while now. ive been climbing and climbing and climbing and there are times where i can recognize that i have made a lot of progress. but that just never enough for me. 

i want to get to my lake 
perhaps the harder the climb is the greater the joy i'll be able to experience when i get there
i want there to be someone special in my life i can share that experience with
i don't know how far away my lake is 
but i can't let that keep me from still progressing towards it.

this past week and a half has been hell, and sitting here on the side of the trail thinking im resting and catching my breath isn't doing anything for me and won't get me any closer to where i want to be. 

this is my midnight hike getting back on the trail.
moving forward with faith

ARP thoughts 7 AUG: Step 6

one of my favorite things to do would happen each week after attending my recovery meetings. the girl i was dating at the time (who helped me find recovery) and i would just sit together and have these amazing conversations where we'd share our emotions and the thoughts and impressions we had felt from our individual recovery meetings. i would feel such a deeply personal and spiritual connection during that time.  i loved those moments.

not that i'm trying to replace that by sharing my thoughts through my blog, but sharing has become important to me and i've learned to enjoy it and so i'd like to share with you my thoughts from the group i attended tonight.

- i wanna know how forever feels.

- this program works to the degree that you work it. the program assists those who desire to recover from addiction. hope and healing comes from practicing the twelve steps.

- new sobriety tracking method. just like in personal fitness if we get so fixated on just a single number: like how much i weigh, we can be blind to all the other areas of progress that we might be gaining results in like strength, endurance, body measurements and body composition. just as the number on the scale doesn't tell the whole story of my health and fitness, in a similar way, the streak of days since my last slip doesn't necessarily give an accurate representation of my progress in recovery. i feel it places too much an emphasis on when was the last slip and unneeded pressure to not slip because if you do you have to start all over again at zero. there is no restart button in this life, its all about continual progression. once i'm getting months under my belt then maybe i'll go back to that method, but for now i'm going to test if tracking my sobriety by how many days this month have i been sober will be a more positive and motivating method for tracking my sobriety.

- this week was just like the week of step 3. this i exactly what i want. i want the change of heart, i'm trying to let go of my addiction. the fear and doubt that contribute to the negative feelings that trigger me acting out on my addiction are directly in opposition to the truths and hope that i can read and learn and gain a testimony about in my daily studies.

- addiction begins in the mind and heart and this is where healing must begin also.

- it all takes time. time. marinate in the gospel. parable of the pickle by elder bednar. constant and consistent effort is the only way to get true and lasting results

- lehi's vision. he was following an angel of the lord in complete darkness for hours. it wasn't until he prayed and sought out the Lord that the vision was then opened up to him. he was a prophet and was having a vision and was following an angel and even then we was still encircled about by darkness for hours. seek christ.

- as a man, i feel the need to be strong. for whatever reason i've been conditioned to feel that my emotions are weakness. i use my addiction to cover and escape my emotions, but my emotions and expresing them and feeling my emotions isn't weakness. humility is power and strength under control. the more humble i am the stronger i am and i can humbly feel and experience the highs and lows that come from my emotions and still stand strong and still be a worthy priesthood holder and still be the true definition of a man.

- alcoholics completely avoid going into bars. what are my online "bars" that i let myself be fooled into entering thiking i'll be safe? don't enter those "bars"!

- i literally need the Savior's help ALL the time. unfortunately its usually only in our trials and our hardships that we recognize that need for Him.

- Satan has counterfeits for every spiritual gift and blessing. remember my convo with my cousin this last weekend in cali about the gifts of the spirit and Moses vs. the pharaoh's priests.

- abstinence can make my other weaknesses more prevalent. this is a good thing.

- just like breakfast doesn't fuel my body throughout the entire day, so must i constantly seek spiritual nourishment throughout the day.

- a lactose intolerant person cannot eat dairy and be at their healthiest. but simply avoiding dairy while still eating junk food and drinking pop will not help them be healthy either

- control what i can control and hand everything else over to God's care. and submit everything i can control to align with God's will, and then do all i can to carry out His will.

- book to read: healing the shame that binds you.

- even tho she's no longer with me she's still a huge part of who i've become and i hope to one day celebrate with my her in the celestial kingdom for the role she played in my life. i hope i can have that desire/motivation/perspective for everyone that has/is/will be a part of my life.