sunrise in the mountains

i love waking up early
i love the sun to be my alarm clock
i hate the dark and cold of winter

if youve ever gone camping in mountains, youve probably noticed how different the sunrise is in that environment than a sunrise on the coast.  looking over the ocean, you notice the gradual change from darkness to light and then soon can see the sun slowly rising up on the horizon.  in a mountain setting the light begins to increase and grow, but the sun remains hidden from view.  the high mountains block the sun and keep you in their shadow much later into the morning.  its not until the sun is finally able to climb high enough into the sky to overcome their height that you are brought out of the shadows.

i thought of this as i reflected on my current break up with d. and how its forced me to do a lot of self introspection and to try and see things from a different point of view than my own skewed-by-pride-and-sin perspective.

she helped me climb out of the dark little crevice i had been living in, and my environment began to increase in light.  however, i was still in the shadows behind the mountain of my addiction.  as hard as this separation has been on me, i know it fails in comparison to how difficult and demoralizing it must have been dealing with me and my problems on a daily basis and my inability to love and respect d. in the way that she deserves to be loved and respected. as much as i wanted to and tried to and even though at times i was successful in showing my love, i was unable to do so consistently and constantly enough. what ive come to realize is that it never was because of any lack of will to love and respect her, but there seemed to be something out of my control that kept my actions from being in sync with my desires.

this breakup seems to be the metaphorical sun breaking over the mountain of my addiction and has brought to light a few things that i was just unable to see or didn't want to fully admit while still under the shadows of pornography.

i suffer from depression
im pretty sure i have ADD
i have severe anxiety problems

now that i have been able to recognize and admit these issues, i am going to try and seek out help in treating/managing/controlling them with the intent to increase in my ability of eliminating the discrepancies between what i want and what i do so that my actions will more perfectly reflect my desire