inception

i feel like im in the movie inception: this dream that ive spent the past year creating with d. is now collapsing all around me and im forced to just watch it all break apart. 

panic anxiety fear distress confusion hurt regret bargaining stress loneliness sadness are just a few of my emotions

... but they all seem to relate in some way to the feeling of not having any control in the outcome

d. says she loves me, but her conviction to follow the feeling that breaking up is whats right for her right now is stronger and she's putting all her effort into acting on that feeling... like actively seeking out new suitors... good for her. the clearest feeling/impression/revelation ive recieved through all this is simply that i need to respect her agency. so thats what im trying to do.

with as extremely uncomfortable as this experience has been, what i'm starting to learn is the more uncomfortable an experience the more opportunities for learning, practice and progress.

a few of my personal thoughts/feelings

• i struggled to feel worthy; even after i was given a calling and weekly partaking of the sacrament; my addiction, my sobriety (or lack thereof) and especially not holding a current temple recommend seemed to hang over me
• when expectations rule our lives we set ourselves up for disappointment. i need to be loved as who i am right now: with all my strengths and all my weaknesses. im beginning to fear that my mother is the only woman capable of doing that. i don't want to imply that i don't plan on improving myself and developing my abilities as a man, a priesthood holder and, hopefully in the future, as a husband and a father. because i do. i don't ever want to stop learning, improving and developing. but i know i will never stand in comparison to my potential. he beats me in literally every category, always. you cant expect your man to fit into the mold of your ideal perfect husband. we'll never fit. we want to fit! but we just can't. trying to fit into the mold of a perfect husband left me feeling inadequate and frustrated and that i wasn't good enough. 

practice: try instead of fitting your significant other into your perfect husband molding and build the mold of your ideal husband around your man as he is now. then support him, nurture him, feed him (literally and figuratively haha) follow him as he follows the savior and not only will his confidence improve but you might also see him in a different light as he now exceeds expectations instead of never living up to them.

• imbalances create tension, tension creates points of weakness, satan is aware of and focuses his attacks at our points of weakness. these imbalances are created by not "being on the same page" as your significant other. the only way to make up the differences in those imbalances is to communicate and make adjustments to goals/expectations. if those goals/expectations aren't adjusted tension will only continue to increase until it reaches a breaking point.
• it is in everyones nature to resist being controlled or having their agency limited. this becomes a little more obvious when we remember the fact that all of us who are on this earth fought before this life to maintain our right to agency and rejected satan's plan even though it guaranteed us a spot back in heaven. this is why children resist subtle positive manipulation (7 Habits) and why codependency can be such a hindrance to the addict. 

i don't wanna lay down on the train tracks, but i know im the one that planted the idea in her head with the fear the fights the hurt and the lies. there seems to be nothing i can say or do that will have any effect on getting another chance to be with her at this point in time to repair and rebuild and restore the good we had and continue to create and construct the life we wanted, we planned, we dreamed of...

youre waiting for a train

a train that will take you far away

you know where you hope this train will take you

but you don't know for sure

yet it doesn't matter...

because you'll be together