suppressed

i'm looking for a distraction
something to keep my mind occupied
something to take my attention away from what i'm feeling
writing has become my therapy.
so i write.
and for better or for worse i'm not really making much effort to censor it.

i do feel like i probably shouldn't share such raw emotions in this setting because it might have an affect on d. and i don't want to do anything that might negatively affect her even tho she made the choice to no longer be an intimate part of my life.

but then i begin to question if maybe i'm writing this is out of some subconscious ulterior motive because i know that she might read it and maybe it could effect some change...

but then i think about the midnight texts she sent me the last week saying how everything she did reminded her of me and that she was remembering the good times of our relationship... all the while she was with her new boy on a vacation back to visit her home. and then i think about the emotional roller-coaster i went on from reading those texts and not being able to control the excited feelings of hope that immediately came, only to later re-read the texts and realize she made it a point to correct what she had sent me to say she really only missed the daily friendship and that could be replaced with time. 

dissed.

and then i think about how that resulted in absolutely no change no effort no nothing from her but that i was still alone and made perfectly aware again of the void still in me and having to fight back against all these strong emotions i have for her that had escaped. and it also helped me to realize that even a month later she still has a lot more of an affect on me than i'd like to admit.

but then i think about everything i said and did and tried for another chance at "us" and how i got shut down at every effort and that none of that made any change so her reading this emotionally vulnerable blog post really won't change anything either. in fact i'd guess it might even give her a lil more confidence in the decision to leave and move on to the next guy 'cause why would you want to be with someone with all my problems and who's this distraught... heh heh... efffff...

lose/lose...

also why is it that every time i tell someone we broke up their follow up question is always "is it permanent?" what does that even mean?! i just told you she broke up with me, that i tried to do everything i could think of for another chance to work it out, and that she's already seriously dating someone else... what part of any of that hints at the possibility of her making any sort of effort for us to get back together?!

i gotta find a way to put myself in more win/win situations.

needless to say i'm feeling a lot of mixed emotions and they have me pretty confused about what to do.

*deep breath*

i'm addicted to reacting to my emotions. 

i know that this is one of my weaknesses because reacting to stimulus without consciously choosing my actions has lead to an irresponsible and non-proactive lifestyle. through my upbringing/life's circumstances/being male/whatever the reason i've been conditioned to suppress and hide my feelings; which is something i'm not very good at. and acting out on my addiction has almost always been to not feel. even tho d.'s still literally on my mind everyday no matter what i'm doing or who i'm with, i'm in this extremely uncomfortable position now where i need to suppress and stop having all these strong feelings for her because not only is she not with me, but she's with someone else. the problem lies in the fact that at the same time i feel this need to suppress any and all feelings for her i know that i shouldn't try and suppress my feelings because then i'm just giving in to the addictive habit of not feeling.

i'm supposed to feel! 

God made me to feel and he made ME to feel very strongly and deeply.

there is a bright side. as i've continued to work recovery, i've learned a lot more about myself and i've come to appreciate my emotions as one of my greatest strengths. because i have such strong emotions and feel so deeply, i am able to be more ambitious more driven more motivated and more passionate than i would ever be without them. yes, allowing myself to feel so strongly can leave me vulnerable, but its my strong emotions and feelings and passions that make me uniquely me.

through practice i've become better at acting proactively on my feelings and giving myself more time to make choices for what i want in the future and not simply reacting to a stimulus now.