things that make me happy:
exercise
health
sun
water
outdoors
family
church activity and temple work
being in love and in a relationship
the void from the absence of the last one however seems to be a black hole trapping and keeping any happiness i might gain from the others from reaching me.
with where i'm at emotionally im just not ready to replace or fill that void with anyone else because i'm still in love and want to be with d.
(this is where this post applies to recovery) i recognize that with how i'm feeling if i were to seriously date anyone else right now it would be more of a means to replace/cover/ignore/mask/hide/suppress my feelings and emotions for d. as opposed to a genuine desire to date. maybe that will change in the next day, a week, a month, i don't know. but i do know that right now i'd rather suffer being single and working through and learning from this experience what Heavenly Father wants me to gain and learn than to use or lead on one of His precious daughters as a selfish means of looking for a way out.
i don't know what to do
even tho i was surrounded by family i felt alone
i try to act like i'm happy, but i'm really not
i'm trying to keep it all together but i don't know how
everyone tells me i should move on but i can't seem to let go and i know its because deep down theres a part of me that doesn't want to.
UPDATE:
nothing is as bad as satan would have us believe.
i realize a lot of my fear and depression and doubt and anxiety are a result of my recent slip and can be overcome by refocusing my faith and hope in the Savior.
He won't necessarily take away everything i'm feeling or the burdens that weigh me down, but he can and will strengthen me that they may seem light as i seek His divine help.
if we never get back together i'm still in a much better place and a much better man than who i was before we met. d. has made a significant and permanent impression on my life that i will always be grateful for.
i know Heavenly Father has a great work for me to do during my time here on this earth and as i'm faithful he will prepare the way for me to accomplish that which he has planned for me to do.
You are mixed up.
ReplyDeleteYou say "I'd rather suffer through it alone and become a better man..." The fact is though, you do NOT have to suffer through this alone. In fact, if you do, you will fall smack on your face.
You seem extremely enmeshed with d. It might be wise to cut it all off and focus on yourself. I once told warrior that his need for companionship is an addiction in itself... seems like maybe you can relate to that.
If your desire to be with her, outweighs your desire to be with God, or be Godly... then there is a twist in the priorities.
We must love God above all other... and then, and only then, does the rest fall into place.
Keep your chin up!
i completely agree. i know that i can't do it alone.
Deletei'm still praying and going to group and talking with friends and family members.
the "alone" i was referring to in that line was more about my relationship status as single/alone and not the attitude of "imma do this all on my own" kind of alone... maybe i should just edit it to say single haha.