my goal for today was to allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable; to not suppress any feelings but to feel them as deeply as strongly as they wanted to manifest themselves in me and to finally allow myself to fully feel experience and grieve the loss of my relationship.
this involved a lot of crying and praying and crying
(crying headaches are the worst)
i hate that i've allowed this addiction to have so much of an effect on my life and how it's affected the lives of those closest to me.
i hate the pain the hurt the anguish the anxiety, all the negative feelings that i've been the cause of in the people i want to love the most...
ive spent so much time hurting those closest to me because of my selfishness, my insecurities, my insensitivity, my not wanting to take responsibility and wanting to escape my feelings.
i am so so very sorry. so much so i feel inadequate to express it with words
i wish i could go back and change it all
but i know i can't
the only thing i can do is repent, ask for forgiveness and go to work on becoming the man God intends for me to be
i know that i am incapable of taking away the hurt
i know i can't heal the pain
but i have faith in Jesus Christ and in His atonement and i can only pray that as i become a better disciple of Him who is the only One with the power to heal, i can be made an instrument in His hands:
that where i once cut down i can help to lift and strengthen
that where i once caused pain i can help bring peace
that where i once caused hurt i can help to feel healing
that where i once caused fear and doubt i can help to find faith and hope
that by my actions i can exemplify His life and His teachings and bless the lives of all those with whom i associate
It is possible! You can do it!
ReplyDeletethanks for the motivation Stacey! i'm really trying!!
DeleteMan, I can relate to how you're feeling. There is something hard about the whole 'emotions'. I take it you are similar to me. I feel that all i need is sun, water, food, outdoor adventures, and physical/mental challenges. But emotions?? who needs those?? They don't make sense...and there hard to express.
ReplyDeleteThis is the root of it all. When I start sharing how I'm really feeling with other human beings...I feel much better and less vulnerable to temptations.
And yeah, I can sense the remorse. Once you remove the acting out and the relationship....all the 'crap' under the surface of the water rises to the surface. I posted about this recently. http://battlelogofanephitewarrior.blogspot.com/2013/07/11-shame-and-remorse.html
As a therapist once told me, don't think of emotions as good or bad. But just ARE. They can be mini lessons from God. Feel them. Validate them. And then let them go. Let them pass. Let God take the negative ones. I'm cheering for you bro.
yes and yes and yes haha
Deletethanks for the post and the support Warrior and i'm happy to see you back and more active in the blogging world my man!