long time no write
beginning to recognize pornography's ability to skewed my perceptions of reality and what is attractive and what is good and cause me to focus on negative aspects and physical characteristics when thinking about a potential spouse.
recently ended a 6 month long relationship with probably the best girl i've dated. and by recently i mean last night.
interesting how i come here to to and release some emotions after having ignored it for so long.
we had our first real conversation last tuesday. one where we opened up about insecurities and what we want out of the relationship. she was wondering why we weren't progressing. and i was wondering why she was holding on to her insecurities so tightly.
she's an absolutely beautiful woman. and i like her a lot a lot (double intended). but i don't know if it was my fear of opening up because of the hurt from my last relationship or if it was the twisted thoughts from my addiction that kept me from pushing those feelings to the love realm.
but she had some weight issues. and i know this is always a super sensitive subjects for females, and i know what its like to be insecure about your body since i suffer from body dysmorphic disorder, but as a certified personal trainer im uniquely qualified to help her reach her goals that SHE wanted and has wanted for years, goals that she had talked with me about before we were even dating seriously, and i wanted nothing more than to be there with her to work towards that goal together. problem was she had stopped the last month, no progress was being made and it was concerning me because it was difficult for me to initiate a lot of physical affection and would cause me to hesitate and thus create this weird kind of awkwardness that made me feel uncomfortable around her.
i decided to finally broach the subject during our first real open conversation. she asked if she stayed the same as she was today would i be happy. i said no. she took it to mean that i don't like her and want to change her into something she's not. i calmly reassured her that the true reason i wouldn't be happy was because it would mean that you had given up on your goals and no longer wanted to put in the effort to progress and improve.
i know there were two paths that we could go from that point. which is why i titled this |perceptions|. in math |x| means the absolute value of x and when graphed looks like this.
we had reached a point in our relationship where depending on if her perceptions of our conversation were positive or negative we would end up progressing together or splitting up. either she look at it like my boyfriend doesn't like me, appreciate me or is attracted to me and doesn't think im good enough for him.
or she look at it in the way i was trying to see it like ive got this boyfriend who has been dating me for the past 6 months and wants to be with me and work with me towards the goals ive already set for myself and support me and work towards progressing our relationship to something more than just dating.
unfortunately she couldn't change her perception to the positive and continued thinking negatively about the situation and i couldn't change the awkward physical tension there was anytime i wanted to show her physical affection. and for her letting go of her insecurities and letting me in and letting me be a part of her progress wasn't worth the effort to help our relationship progress.
i think thats what hurts the most. but i know what its like to feel the negative perception as well like youre not good enough for someone and they want you to change into something else before they'll marry you instead of the perception that they just want to help you become the best you.
its all pride and selfishness. sucks.
attitude determines altitude.
give up your pride for something you love instead of giving up something you love for your pride.
