just one of them days

i had a very enjoyable/spiritual/emotional experience last night as i read a letter my dear sweet mother wrote to me. she's such an amazing faithful woman and i so deeply love and respect her and am amazed by all that she has done for me.

i'll be the first to admit that i hate sleeping. its extremely inefficient and i don't enjoy it. i wish i didn't have to sleep almost as if some wishes come true there are nights where i'm just not able to sleep much; 

unfortunately these nights do not lend themselves to much increased productivity... usually happens that either my body won't rest or my mind won't rest and last night was one of those nights where my mind wouldn't rest. there was maybe a period of 3-4 hours where i did fall asleep. however, most of the time i was just laying there while my mind was continuously occupied by random thoughts of things i needed to do, things i wanted to do and unfortunately many thoughts and feelings of regret about my past sins, mistakes, offenses, and shortcomings and how my addiction has been at the root of all of those. a lot of thoughts also seemed to come back to my now-not-so-recent return to the single lifestyle. 

after my nap, i got up and got showered, ate and readied my things, got in my truck and started driving to school. as i'm turning in the intersection before before getting on the freeway my vehicle completely shuts off. 
no power steering
no power brakes
no power period
and it won't turn back on. so i'm just there coasting, cranking the wheel and stomping on the breaks as hard as i can in the middle of the intersection doing everything i can to avoid running into oncoming traffic...

oh (un)happy day!

- less than 4 hours of sleep
- lingering feelings for d. (and why i still feel like theres some connection i don't know...)
- unable to attend my classes (which included my favorite stress relief: my volleyball class)
- sat in a broken down truck in a parking lot all day
- my bank account is now $200 lighter
- feelings of frustration and stressed out and situations were out of my control. hungry and helpless and hot.
- being bashed bombarded and buffeted every moment with the temptation that i could easily escape from it all

OVERIT!

as i look up at the time in the top corner of my laptop i realize in less than an hour i'm supposed to be en route to a special PASG recovery meeting. 

and it all makes sense. its an eternal principle that there must be opposition in all things and satan would love to sift me as chaff before the wind to frustrate my progress and my participation in this work.

i guess i should be surprised that more bad things didn't befall me today... but there is still a lot of day left haha

"don't give up what you most want in life for something you want right now" - richard g. scott
"...thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." - d&c 121:7

motivation wave

with health and exercise being the focus of my education and desired profession, this keynote address given by bj fogg to people working in the health and exercise industry was naturally interesting to me. but as i watched and listened i realized how this behavior model could be applied to recovery as well. the audio is a little soft, but i think its worth your 23 minutes.

when we are highly motivated we are able to do more difficult things and resist more difficult temptations. when the motivation is low and we're feeling BLASTED (bored, lonely, angry, stressed, tired, empty, depressed) we're in a weakened state, and its obviously much easier to slip.

its normal to have the peaks and troughs. in fact, the high motivation times he labels as "temporary" periods and the low motivational times are labeled "natural" periods.

its ok to have low motivational periods.

what i love about this model is that the focus is on utilizing those temporary high motivation periods to facilitate our opportunities to accomplish difficult things during the natural low motivational moments. the key is, when our motivation is high, we have an opportunity to do some very difficult things and he gives 3 priorities of what we should do when we are in a highly motivated state.

priority #1: do hard things that structure future behavior

priority #2: do hard things that reduce barriers to behavior (i might modify this to also include increasing barriers to the addictive behavior)

priority #3: do hard things that increase your capability

another thing i really like about this model is that it gives a great perspective, especially during the last 5 minutes, for the loved ones working with and supporting those of us making the effort to overcome our addictions. 

i hope this can help us to be at least a little more aware and take advantage of our temporary high motivational periods to give ourselves a greater opportunity for success during our more "natural" periods.

cecret lake

cecret lake, albion basin, ut

went on a hike up to cecret lake this past weekend with some friends. one of the girls that came with was a little bit unconditioned for physical activity. we had to make multiple stops along the way so she could catch her breath but that wasn't a problem at all. i'd never been up here before so i was taking it all in and the hike was meant to be enjoyed and not a strenuous workout. however, at one point she got extremely light headed and turned quite pale. i made sure she sat down got some water and ate something and then we all waited for her to start to look and feel better... and we waited... and waited...

the steepest part of the trail was in front of us and i could imagine how intimidating this unknown length of switchbacks might have appeared. none of us had been on this hike before so we had no idea how much farther we'd have to travel and i wondered if all of us would be able to make it. i had a feeling we were close tho and as i usually do when i'm just sitting around i got pretty antsy. i needed to get up and do something. so i decided i'd hurry and run the rest of the way to see how far away we were and then run back. 

little did i know that this gorgeous lake was literally just out of our sight on the other side of this last little climb which was no more than 50 yds or so away. we were so close. and yet because we couldn't see the destination and were unfamiliar with the area we stopped and waited for over 30 minutes.

it was important for her to rest and recover, but i have to assume that had we known how close we actually were to the lake, we wouldn't have sat there and waited in the shadow of the hill on the side of the dusty trail for so long and instead would have pushed through that last little difficult part of the climb and spent that time resting while we enjoyed our intended destination: the beautiful scenic area that is cecret lake.

i see myself as the girl in that situation in regards to my recovery from this annoyingly degrading and debilitating and destructive addiction that i hate hate hate hate that i have. i feel like ive been on the side of this trail trying to catch my breath for a while now. ive been climbing and climbing and climbing and there are times where i can recognize that i have made a lot of progress. but that just never enough for me. 

i want to get to my lake 
perhaps the harder the climb is the greater the joy i'll be able to experience when i get there
i want there to be someone special in my life i can share that experience with
i don't know how far away my lake is 
but i can't let that keep me from still progressing towards it.

this past week and a half has been hell, and sitting here on the side of the trail thinking im resting and catching my breath isn't doing anything for me and won't get me any closer to where i want to be. 

this is my midnight hike getting back on the trail.
moving forward with faith

ARP thoughts 7 AUG: Step 6

one of my favorite things to do would happen each week after attending my recovery meetings. the girl i was dating at the time (who helped me find recovery) and i would just sit together and have these amazing conversations where we'd share our emotions and the thoughts and impressions we had felt from our individual recovery meetings. i would feel such a deeply personal and spiritual connection during that time.  i loved those moments.

not that i'm trying to replace that by sharing my thoughts through my blog, but sharing has become important to me and i've learned to enjoy it and so i'd like to share with you my thoughts from the group i attended tonight.

- i wanna know how forever feels.

- this program works to the degree that you work it. the program assists those who desire to recover from addiction. hope and healing comes from practicing the twelve steps.

- new sobriety tracking method. just like in personal fitness if we get so fixated on just a single number: like how much i weigh, we can be blind to all the other areas of progress that we might be gaining results in like strength, endurance, body measurements and body composition. just as the number on the scale doesn't tell the whole story of my health and fitness, in a similar way, the streak of days since my last slip doesn't necessarily give an accurate representation of my progress in recovery. i feel it places too much an emphasis on when was the last slip and unneeded pressure to not slip because if you do you have to start all over again at zero. there is no restart button in this life, its all about continual progression. once i'm getting months under my belt then maybe i'll go back to that method, but for now i'm going to test if tracking my sobriety by how many days this month have i been sober will be a more positive and motivating method for tracking my sobriety.

- this week was just like the week of step 3. this i exactly what i want. i want the change of heart, i'm trying to let go of my addiction. the fear and doubt that contribute to the negative feelings that trigger me acting out on my addiction are directly in opposition to the truths and hope that i can read and learn and gain a testimony about in my daily studies.

- addiction begins in the mind and heart and this is where healing must begin also.

- it all takes time. time. marinate in the gospel. parable of the pickle by elder bednar. constant and consistent effort is the only way to get true and lasting results

- lehi's vision. he was following an angel of the lord in complete darkness for hours. it wasn't until he prayed and sought out the Lord that the vision was then opened up to him. he was a prophet and was having a vision and was following an angel and even then we was still encircled about by darkness for hours. seek christ.

- as a man, i feel the need to be strong. for whatever reason i've been conditioned to feel that my emotions are weakness. i use my addiction to cover and escape my emotions, but my emotions and expresing them and feeling my emotions isn't weakness. humility is power and strength under control. the more humble i am the stronger i am and i can humbly feel and experience the highs and lows that come from my emotions and still stand strong and still be a worthy priesthood holder and still be the true definition of a man.

- alcoholics completely avoid going into bars. what are my online "bars" that i let myself be fooled into entering thiking i'll be safe? don't enter those "bars"!

- i literally need the Savior's help ALL the time. unfortunately its usually only in our trials and our hardships that we recognize that need for Him.

- Satan has counterfeits for every spiritual gift and blessing. remember my convo with my cousin this last weekend in cali about the gifts of the spirit and Moses vs. the pharaoh's priests.

- abstinence can make my other weaknesses more prevalent. this is a good thing.

- just like breakfast doesn't fuel my body throughout the entire day, so must i constantly seek spiritual nourishment throughout the day.

- a lactose intolerant person cannot eat dairy and be at their healthiest. but simply avoiding dairy while still eating junk food and drinking pop will not help them be healthy either

- control what i can control and hand everything else over to God's care. and submit everything i can control to align with God's will, and then do all i can to carry out His will.

- book to read: healing the shame that binds you.

- even tho she's no longer with me she's still a huge part of who i've become and i hope to one day celebrate with my her in the celestial kingdom for the role she played in my life. i hope i can have that desire/motivation/perspective for everyone that has/is/will be a part of my life.

pioneer spirit

yesterday we celebrated Pioneer Day here in Utah and i started the holiday by running in my first 5K which happened to be the first annual Temple to Temple 5K. as the temple and pioneers were the setting for this run, the focus was on family history and they suggested running for an ancestor. my mom's side of the family has a rich pioneer heritage and i enjoyed the chance to feel a connection with the pioneers and learn more about my ancestors in keeping with the spirit of the run.

the first presidency message was also on pioneers and having the pioneer spirit. one part of that talk stood out to me.

"The unsatisfied yearnings of the soul will not be met by a never-ending quest for joy amidst the thrills of sensation and vice."

this what my addiction tries to cheat me to believe, that i can satisfy my feelings or that i can escape from those feelings. it will never satisfy the yearnings of my soul. the only things that can satisfy my yearnings are truth and light and love.

i yearn to be in a relationship progressing towards a temple marriage and when the time is right to be married and start a family
i yearn to exercise my priesthood in blessing the lives of others
i yearn to finish school, get my degree and find a fulfilling career that will allow me to provide for a family
i yearn to be a better friend
i yearn recover from this addiction and be a support to help others recover
i yearn to replace my criticism with better expressing my love and appreciation
i yearn to be a better disciple of Jesus Christ

i also recently 'liked' all the first presidency and quorum of the twelve apostles facebook profiles as well as the official LDS and mormon.org profiles. if you have a facebook and haven't liked their pages yet i highly recommend it.

the mormon.org profile had a message relating to the pioneer spirit that i really enjoyed.

"True change often involves blazing new trails and entering new and unfamiliar territory.Although it can initially be uncomfortable, pioneering uncharted territory by creating life-changing habits can make you feel more fulfilled as a person.
In your quest for personal improvement, never give up hope. Keep moving in the right direction, and God will bless your righteous efforts."

i love that it relates being pioneers to making the lifestyle changes in our habits to bring our lives more in harmony with the principles of the gospel and that is what i feel recovery is all about. it's about recognizing that change is possible and making efforts to create our life and develop habits in harmony with the teachings of the gospel. and there is no righteous effort that God does not recognize. yes change is hard, and yes it will be uncomfortable, but oh will it be worth it! 

the dictionary defines a pioneer as "one who goes before to prepare or open up the way for others to follow". the pioneers weren't just the first group of saints to enter the salt lake region because being a pioneer isn't about being the first. being a pioneer is about taking the journey. every single person who endured the trials and hardships and sufferings and losses and struggles to travel west qualified themselves as pioneers because they went through that trial and endured the journey and prepared the way for others. how much stronger was the faith and deeper the conversion of those early saints who made that trek.

whether you're the only member of the church in your family or if all your ancestors have been members since the church was founded, we can still be pioneers today as we seek to keep that pioneer spirit by choosing to commit ourselves to making the journey, to pattern our lives after the Saviors, to make and keep sacred covenants and to continually travel along the road of recovery so that we might help to make the trail safe for those who will follow us.

love will find me

heard this song on the way to church this morning



2nd verse i connected with the most
love will find me

todays lesson in sunday school was about trials and how because of how much God loves us he tries and tests us and allows us to pass through sorrow so that we can learn and grow... pretty fitting for what i'm currently going through.

from But for a Small Moment -
"If God chooses to teach us the things we most need to learn because he loves us, and if he seeks to tame our souls and gentle us in the way we most need to be tamed and most need to be gentled, it follows that he will customize the challenges he gives us and individualize them so that we will be prepared for life in a better world by his refusal to take us out of this world, even though we are not of it. In the eternal ecology of things we must pray, therefore, not that things be taken from us, but that God's will be accomplished through us."

God then doesn't always cause the trials and suffering we go through perhaps as often as He allows us to go through them. and the truth is most of my suffering has come as a result of my own sins, but that suffering can work for my good if i allow it to by continuing to repent, recover and be obedient to my covenants and responsibilities.

its not that He necessarily caused me to fall in love with someone who would end up leaving me or that he wanted me to go through this extremely emotional loss of our relationship or that it was His intention for me to erroneously believe that we loved each other enough to keep working towards being sealed in the temple for time and all eternity. 

it's because of his perfect love for me that He allows me to be tried and tested and for burdens to be placed upon my shoulders. He allows me to go through all of these difficult experiences, whether by His design or due to my own self imposed suffering, that through these experiences i can develop the abilities i need to develop and into the man he would have me develop so that one day, through my faithfulness, i can become as He is.

with His perfect love, 
with His infinite knowledge, 
with His eternal perspective, 
He has designed a perfectly personal plan for me that is better than anything i could ever choose for myself and it is merely my responsibility while here on earth to be obedient and submit to His will and not mine own. 

a true and real and loving and lasting relationship will find me.

feeling exercise

my goal for today was to allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable; to not suppress any feelings but to feel them as deeply as strongly as they wanted to manifest themselves in me and to finally allow myself to fully feel experience and grieve the loss of my relationship.

this involved a lot of crying and praying and crying
(crying headaches are the worst)

i hate that i've allowed this addiction to have so much of an effect on my life and how it's affected the lives of those closest to me.
i hate the pain the hurt the anguish the anxiety, all the negative feelings that i've been the cause of in the people i want to love the most...

ive spent so much time hurting those closest to me because of my selfishness, my insecurities, my insensitivity, my not wanting to take responsibility and wanting to escape my feelings.

i am so so very sorry. so much so i feel inadequate to express it with words

i wish i could go back and change it all

but i know i can't

the only thing i can do is repent, ask for forgiveness and go to work on becoming the man God intends for me to be

i know that i am incapable of taking away the hurt 
i know i can't heal the pain
but i have faith in Jesus Christ and in His atonement and i can only pray that as i become a better disciple of Him who is the only One with the power to heal, i can be made an instrument in His hands:
that where i once cut down i can help to lift and strengthen
that where i once caused pain i can help bring peace
that where i once caused hurt i can help to feel healing
that where i once caused fear and doubt i can help to find faith and hope
that by my actions i can exemplify His life and His teachings and bless the lives of all those with whom i associate