40 days and 40 nights

endured my longest streak since i can remember of abstaining from masturbating and pornography.

six long weeks.

the days were long, but the weeks seemed to pass by with more ease than they had in a while.

most of that sobriety can be credited to the fact that i was talking with someone all day every day all night with whom i had very strong feelings for in the past and again recently. it was an amazing feeling being completely open and never feeling like i had to hide any aspects of my past or current struggles. it felt so free and comfortable and i loved it.

43 days i lasted. felt pretty accomplished with it.

but recently certain circumstances have changed and as of now we are no longer talking and im left feeling frustrated hurt and alone.

i know im not "alone" in the sense that there are people who support me and want me to be happy and successful in my goals and dreams.

but when i wake up, when i come home, when i go to bed, i'm alone.

and im not sure what to do about it.

do i try and find a way to be happy in my solitude?

or do i try and use the negative feeling as a motivation to make new friends?

or what i've found to be the best option when seemingly faced with two options, a combination of both.

theres always more options than the obvious ones. the difficult of choice lies in deciding where to invest your efforts.

during those 6 weeks all of my efforts were in talking with this female interest, work, and exercise. and even thou i'm being somewhat successful in my other categories of effort its the loss of the love interest thats having the most affect on me.

and being able to observe that has lead me to the realization that there are 2 questions i desperately would love to know the answer to.

1 - how to feel the joy of success over the misery of loss/failure

2 - how to find happiness in loneliness

| perceptions |

hello hello

long time no write

beginning to recognize pornography's ability to skewed my perceptions of reality and what is attractive and what is good and cause me to focus on negative aspects and physical characteristics when thinking about a potential spouse.

recently ended a 6 month long relationship with probably the best girl i've dated. and by recently i mean last night.

interesting how i come here to to and release some emotions after having ignored it for so long. 

we had our first real conversation last tuesday. one where we opened up about insecurities and what we want out of the relationship. she was wondering why we weren't progressing. and i was wondering why she was holding on to her insecurities so tightly.

she's an absolutely beautiful woman. and i like her a lot a lot (double intended). but i don't know if it was my fear of opening up because of the hurt from my last relationship or if it was the twisted thoughts from my addiction that kept me from pushing those feelings to the love realm.

but she had some weight issues. and i know this is always a super sensitive subjects for females, and i know what its like to be insecure about your body since i suffer from body dysmorphic disorder, but as a certified personal trainer im uniquely qualified to help her reach her goals that SHE wanted and has wanted for years, goals that she had talked with me about before we were even dating seriously, and i wanted nothing more than to be there with her to work towards that goal together. problem was she had stopped the last month, no progress was being made and it was concerning me because it was difficult for me to initiate a lot of physical affection and would cause me to hesitate and thus create this weird kind of awkwardness that made me feel uncomfortable around her.

i decided to finally broach the subject during our first real open conversation. she asked if she stayed the same as she was today would i be happy. i said no. she took it to mean that i don't like her and want to change her into something she's not. i calmly reassured her that the true reason i wouldn't be happy was because it would mean that you had given up on your goals and no longer wanted to put in the effort to progress and improve.

i know there were two paths that we could go from that point. which is why i titled this |perceptions|. in math |x| means the absolute value of x and when graphed looks like this.

we had reached a point in our relationship where depending on if her perceptions of our conversation were positive or negative we would end up progressing together or splitting up. either she look at it like my boyfriend doesn't like me, appreciate me or is attracted to me and doesn't think im good enough for him. 

or she look at it in the way i was trying to see it like ive got this boyfriend who has been dating me for the past 6 months and wants to be with me and work with me towards the goals ive already set for myself and support me and work towards progressing our relationship to something more than just dating.

unfortunately she couldn't change her perception to the positive and continued thinking negatively about the situation and i couldn't change the awkward physical tension there was anytime i wanted to show her physical affection. and for her letting go of her insecurities and letting me in and letting me be a part of her progress wasn't worth the effort to help our relationship progress.

i think thats what hurts the most. but i know what its like to feel the negative perception as well like youre not good enough for someone and they want you to change into something else before they'll marry you instead of the perception that they just want to help you become the best you.

its all pride and selfishness. sucks.

attitude determines altitude.

give up your pride for something you love instead of giving up something you love for your pride.

midnight musings: life's storms

ive grown to really not like the analogy of the variety of problems we face in life as "storms".

storms you can wait out. theyll eventually lose strength and dissipate and then the sun will come out. during a storm you can literally just sit there and do nothing but watch the storm rage on and sooner or later it will pass. even with violent and dangerous storms like hurricanes and tornadoes you can just go somewhere else during the bad time and escape it.

but unlike the storms in nature, lifes problems dont just go away.

they stay.

there might not always be the constant downpour of rain, cracks of thunder and bolts of lighting overhead but lifes problems definitely do not just pass by with time as do the rain storms weve consistently been taught to compare them to. 

rain, rain go away
come again another day
... actually, just go away and not come back, ok?!

ive spent a lot of time away from blogging, away from recovery, away from group, away from friends, away from family, away from making new relationships, away from almost any and everything... i tried just waiting, ignoring, and looking for somewhere to just escape all of it with the false hope that at some point this damned storm of problems that i was/am faced with would eventually break/ease up/move on/pass me by. 

i don't even think noah's ark could have survived this storm cause its been raining a hell of a lot longer than just 40 days and 40 nights.

so how am i supposed to get this storm to pass?!

it seems like time is everyone's favorite answer when it comes to emotional healing, but the important thing to realize is that there's two types of time: theres the passing of time (passive) and the time to act (active).

with natural storms, they will pass by regardless of any action we choose to take or not take. we can be completely passive and the rain will go away... but if problems were mountains... it makes a lot more sense that sitting on your butt doing nothing definitely isn't going to get you over that peak.

life's mountains then obviously require the active effort of time for us to climb.

2 Nephi 2:14 "... there is a God and he hath created all things, ... both things to act and things to be acted upon."
2 Nephi 2:26 men are "... to act for themselves and not to be acted upon."

we have not been put on this earth to passively go through life and be acted upon.

biologically, death is simply when there is no movement. 
when there's no activity.

and so that is what i've learned i must now do. even tho something may be a trigger that brings up past feelings/emotions, its better to be moving forward and climbing up the mountain that still sitting in the rain. 

because i was created and given power to act, not to be acted upon.

treating my emotional appendicitis

i eat healthy.
i exercise... sometimes too much.
i say my prayers.
i read my scriptures.
i go to church.
i set goals.
i plan my day.
i have every righteous intention of doing what i know i need to do to live a happy healthy and successful life...

but i can't. 

it is literally the most frustrating thing in the world to see this huge discrepancy between what i feel i'm capable of doing and desiring nothing more than to act on those righteous intentions, and then just not being able to...

my life has become unmanageable

met with my therapist today.
we talked for around 30 minutes about what i've gone through with the recent and not so recent events in my life.
he then handed me a short questionnaire to fill out.
i scored in the mid 60's.
anything 50 or above is considered to be severe clinical depression.

as of this afternoon 
i was diagnosed 
by a professional psychologist 
with:

"severe" clinical depression.

so theres that...

i guess it is a relief to finally bring whats been holding me back for so long out of the dark and into the light so i can address it and hopefully through the medication i just received and working with my therapist in conjunction with my addiction recovery, finally break free from the vicious cycle that's held me captive and impeded my progress for all these years.

onward and upward

guide to recovery

so tuesday night was volleyball tryouts for a competitive team that i've been excitedly anticipating. this summer i was consistently exercising for at least an hour every day, 6 days a week but when i woke up the morning after tryouts my body felt like i had been thrown down a mountainside haha 

i was sore all over.

so i did what i know i needed to do so i could properly recover from the high demands that competing at this level required in order to go out and compete at that same level again at practice the next day:

• made sure i slept at least 7 hours
• did a warm up and stretched for 15-20 minutes
• bought ACE bandages and a cold compress
• iced my shoulder and elbow
• put icy hot (which is one of my all-time favorite smells) on my calf and shoulder
• put my rice heating pad on my lower back
• took Aleve to preemptively battle any inflammation
• ate a good meal
• drank a ton of water
• scheduled an appointment w/ a massage therapist

at last nights practice, thanks to my time and effort i put into recovery, i was fresh and strong and able to compete and play at an even higher level than i did on tuesday which helped to solidify my spot on the "A" team. Woot! Woot!

you may not know this, but physiologically when you exercise you're actually breaking down your muscle. thats what exercise does; it damages your muscle fibers. thats why exercising isn't what makes you stronger. it imposes a demand that your body will then work to adapt to, but where you actually gain your strength from is after your body has repaired and fortified those muscles against future demands.

recovery is just as important as the exercising.

naturally this lead me to thinking about my addiction "recovery" and what inferences i could gain to help in my spiritual recovery. so id like to share 5 important lessons i've learned.

1. recovery is not passive - recovery takes effort. the more effort you put into recovering, the more effort you'll be able to put into overcoming and resisting and enduring the trials and temptations. the 12 steps are just that, steps. you can't take a step without making an effort. recovery works to the degree you work recovery.

2. you need a place of refuge where you can rest - find/create a safe place. somewhere you can be free from the trials and temptations of this world and seek Christ and give yourself time to heal. examples: temple, outdoors, gym, anywhere with your bestfriend, etc.

psalms 9:9 the Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble 

3. eat of the bread of life and drink of the living waters - daily gospel study and weekly church attendance to all your meetings. the living waters are a representation of Christ and His teachings. water is essential to life, and physical recovery, just as constantly studying the doctrines and principles of the gospel are essential to spiritual life and recovery. Jesus is also the bread of life in that his atonement is the only thing that can save us from death, both physical and spiritual. every week in sacrament meeting we literally eat bread in remembrance of His sacrifice.

john 6:35 and Jesus said unto them, i am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst

4. be preemptive against satan's efforts to inflame you - build up your righteous defenses. seek to exercise faith in all that you do before you're faced with a trial of your faith. set boundaries, put on content filters, reach out to friends/family/sponsor, make the decision to protect yourself from sin before sin is already affronting you. put on the armor of god before battle, not during.

ephesians 6:16 above all, taking the shield of faith wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked

5a. schedule an appointment with a professional - meet with your spiritual specialist: your bishops. They are divinely called and set apart as judges in israel to cleanse the church from iniquity and help those who sin find their way back onto the path of righteousness. not a single one of my bishops ive ever met with knew anything about addiction or addiction recovery. they just knew porn was bad and against the law of chastity. they are imperfect men who are not specialists in what we're going through, but it was an opportunity for me to exercise my faith and even when i haven't felt i necessarily gained anything from meeting him, i have been able to feel of his love and desire to help me and of the love that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks "the bishop is the judge and the shepherd who has the power of discernment and the right to revelation and inspiration for the guidance of the flock."

5b. schedule an appointment with a professional - don't be afraid to meet with a therapist/counselor. Elder Holland gave an amazing talk during the Saturday afternoon session of general conference this last weekend titled Like a Broken Vessel. there are professionals in dealing with mental health issues and addiction is a disease of the mind. it is not a weakness to seek professional help to recover. 

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland "if you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. so too with emotional disorders. our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation."

hopefully this guide can be a help as you seek out your own recovery whether it be from addiction, abuse, betrayal, or any other emotional and spiritual damaging situation/condition.

remember that you cannot recover yourself. even with physical recovery i can make every effort to create an environment conducive to my body recovering, but it is this amazing wonderful body that recovers by God's divine design. so too must our spiritual recovery be. it is our responsibility to make every effort we can to create an environment conducive to allowing Christ and His spirit into our lives because He is the only one who can truly recover us.

self talk and affirmations

so last night and today i've thought a lot about "self talk"

if you're unfamiliar with what "self talk" is, you can read a little more about it here

but basically its the little voice inside your head which will tend to either be negative (you're not good at that...) or positive (you got this!)

mine is predominantly negative and extremely critical. for example i may or may not have a mild case of BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). i can finally reach my goal weight and a decent body fat percentage after exercising and being extremely disciplined with my nutrition, but when i look in the mirror i only see things i want to change/improve and my self talk tells me i'm not good enough and all these things wrong with me.

the interesting paradox is when i'm training someone i use that same hyper observant ability to analyze what they are wanting to change and come up with ways on how we'd accomplish that but my attitude is encouraging and motivating and completely positive and any criticism i give to a client is constructive and meant to better enable them to reach their goals. 

a complete 180 of my own "self talk".

i would love for that genuine, positive, passionate, building, motivating energy that i have when helping other people reach their goals to be characteristic of my "self talk" as i work towards achieving my own goals. 

the good news is that apparently you can practice positive self talk and get rid of the negative self talk. yay!

so one way i'm trying to affect a change in my "self talk" is with self affirmations. these are my 10 that i will try and say to myself in the mirror after i shower every morning. i do want to point out that these are not meant to be permanent and i plan on continually editing/revising/updating them as i, my circumstances and my self talk continue to change. enjoi.

• i live my life with #constantconsistency: i am diligent in the time and effort i put towards achieving my goals and performing all of my responsibilities at the highest level i can.
• i am a son of God. He loves me, He trusts me, and He has a plan for me.
• i love exactly who i am right now at this very moment in time
• i am athletic attractive capable valuable and worthy. i am worthy.
• no matter how angry, frustrated or emotional i am, i always have the ability to choose what i say and how i act.
• i enjoy my life my profession my education and my relationships with my family and friends
• the pressure to perform is so exciting and stimulating to me that the more difficult something is, the more i excel.
• i am proud of the talents and abilities God has blessed me with and strive to use and develop them to be an instrument in His hands to bless the lives of those around me.
• because i sincerely care about myself and the quality of my life i am financially responsible.
• the trials and hardships i face are merely steps to climb guiding me onward and upward towards reaching my true potential.

mr. wrong

"the only thing that never changes is that everything changes" - louis l'amor

this past year has been one full of change for me.

change of calling
change of employment
change of roommates
change of hobbies: now into running and firearms
change of facial hair: growing a beard
change of college:  BYU to UVU
change of church status: full membership with a temple recommend
change of relationship status: from progressing towards marriage with someone to progressing towards marriage on my own

but the one thing i've wanted to change more than any of all that and have spent time and effort and tears, wishing and trying and struggling to change, is this godforsaken addiction. 

i don't want it. 
i don't. 
but i cant seem to get rid of it. 

i've been through a lot of change.
i'm changing still. 
but its not enough. its never enough.

i feel like i'm stuck in a tar pit.

i can't imagine, i would never wish, for another righteous beautiful young woman searching for her mr. right to become such an important part of my life and be hurt and stained by this tar that has me trapped.

hopefully one day i'll have changed enough to be free and clean from this filth to become the future love of my life's mr. right.

but for now i'm still mr. wrong

just one of them days

i had a very enjoyable/spiritual/emotional experience last night as i read a letter my dear sweet mother wrote to me. she's such an amazing faithful woman and i so deeply love and respect her and am amazed by all that she has done for me.

i'll be the first to admit that i hate sleeping. its extremely inefficient and i don't enjoy it. i wish i didn't have to sleep almost as if some wishes come true there are nights where i'm just not able to sleep much; 

unfortunately these nights do not lend themselves to much increased productivity... usually happens that either my body won't rest or my mind won't rest and last night was one of those nights where my mind wouldn't rest. there was maybe a period of 3-4 hours where i did fall asleep. however, most of the time i was just laying there while my mind was continuously occupied by random thoughts of things i needed to do, things i wanted to do and unfortunately many thoughts and feelings of regret about my past sins, mistakes, offenses, and shortcomings and how my addiction has been at the root of all of those. a lot of thoughts also seemed to come back to my now-not-so-recent return to the single lifestyle. 

after my nap, i got up and got showered, ate and readied my things, got in my truck and started driving to school. as i'm turning in the intersection before before getting on the freeway my vehicle completely shuts off. 
no power steering
no power brakes
no power period
and it won't turn back on. so i'm just there coasting, cranking the wheel and stomping on the breaks as hard as i can in the middle of the intersection doing everything i can to avoid running into oncoming traffic...

oh (un)happy day!

- less than 4 hours of sleep
- lingering feelings for d. (and why i still feel like theres some connection i don't know...)
- unable to attend my classes (which included my favorite stress relief: my volleyball class)
- sat in a broken down truck in a parking lot all day
- my bank account is now $200 lighter
- feelings of frustration and stressed out and situations were out of my control. hungry and helpless and hot.
- being bashed bombarded and buffeted every moment with the temptation that i could easily escape from it all

OVERIT!

as i look up at the time in the top corner of my laptop i realize in less than an hour i'm supposed to be en route to a special PASG recovery meeting. 

and it all makes sense. its an eternal principle that there must be opposition in all things and satan would love to sift me as chaff before the wind to frustrate my progress and my participation in this work.

i guess i should be surprised that more bad things didn't befall me today... but there is still a lot of day left haha

"don't give up what you most want in life for something you want right now" - richard g. scott
"...thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." - d&c 121:7

motivation wave

with health and exercise being the focus of my education and desired profession, this keynote address given by bj fogg to people working in the health and exercise industry was naturally interesting to me. but as i watched and listened i realized how this behavior model could be applied to recovery as well. the audio is a little soft, but i think its worth your 23 minutes.

when we are highly motivated we are able to do more difficult things and resist more difficult temptations. when the motivation is low and we're feeling BLASTED (bored, lonely, angry, stressed, tired, empty, depressed) we're in a weakened state, and its obviously much easier to slip.

its normal to have the peaks and troughs. in fact, the high motivation times he labels as "temporary" periods and the low motivational times are labeled "natural" periods.

its ok to have low motivational periods.

what i love about this model is that the focus is on utilizing those temporary high motivation periods to facilitate our opportunities to accomplish difficult things during the natural low motivational moments. the key is, when our motivation is high, we have an opportunity to do some very difficult things and he gives 3 priorities of what we should do when we are in a highly motivated state.

priority #1: do hard things that structure future behavior

priority #2: do hard things that reduce barriers to behavior (i might modify this to also include increasing barriers to the addictive behavior)

priority #3: do hard things that increase your capability

another thing i really like about this model is that it gives a great perspective, especially during the last 5 minutes, for the loved ones working with and supporting those of us making the effort to overcome our addictions. 

i hope this can help us to be at least a little more aware and take advantage of our temporary high motivational periods to give ourselves a greater opportunity for success during our more "natural" periods.

cecret lake

cecret lake, albion basin, ut

went on a hike up to cecret lake this past weekend with some friends. one of the girls that came with was a little bit unconditioned for physical activity. we had to make multiple stops along the way so she could catch her breath but that wasn't a problem at all. i'd never been up here before so i was taking it all in and the hike was meant to be enjoyed and not a strenuous workout. however, at one point she got extremely light headed and turned quite pale. i made sure she sat down got some water and ate something and then we all waited for her to start to look and feel better... and we waited... and waited...

the steepest part of the trail was in front of us and i could imagine how intimidating this unknown length of switchbacks might have appeared. none of us had been on this hike before so we had no idea how much farther we'd have to travel and i wondered if all of us would be able to make it. i had a feeling we were close tho and as i usually do when i'm just sitting around i got pretty antsy. i needed to get up and do something. so i decided i'd hurry and run the rest of the way to see how far away we were and then run back. 

little did i know that this gorgeous lake was literally just out of our sight on the other side of this last little climb which was no more than 50 yds or so away. we were so close. and yet because we couldn't see the destination and were unfamiliar with the area we stopped and waited for over 30 minutes.

it was important for her to rest and recover, but i have to assume that had we known how close we actually were to the lake, we wouldn't have sat there and waited in the shadow of the hill on the side of the dusty trail for so long and instead would have pushed through that last little difficult part of the climb and spent that time resting while we enjoyed our intended destination: the beautiful scenic area that is cecret lake.

i see myself as the girl in that situation in regards to my recovery from this annoyingly degrading and debilitating and destructive addiction that i hate hate hate hate that i have. i feel like ive been on the side of this trail trying to catch my breath for a while now. ive been climbing and climbing and climbing and there are times where i can recognize that i have made a lot of progress. but that just never enough for me. 

i want to get to my lake 
perhaps the harder the climb is the greater the joy i'll be able to experience when i get there
i want there to be someone special in my life i can share that experience with
i don't know how far away my lake is 
but i can't let that keep me from still progressing towards it.

this past week and a half has been hell, and sitting here on the side of the trail thinking im resting and catching my breath isn't doing anything for me and won't get me any closer to where i want to be. 

this is my midnight hike getting back on the trail.
moving forward with faith

ARP thoughts 7 AUG: Step 6

one of my favorite things to do would happen each week after attending my recovery meetings. the girl i was dating at the time (who helped me find recovery) and i would just sit together and have these amazing conversations where we'd share our emotions and the thoughts and impressions we had felt from our individual recovery meetings. i would feel such a deeply personal and spiritual connection during that time.  i loved those moments.

not that i'm trying to replace that by sharing my thoughts through my blog, but sharing has become important to me and i've learned to enjoy it and so i'd like to share with you my thoughts from the group i attended tonight.

- i wanna know how forever feels.

- this program works to the degree that you work it. the program assists those who desire to recover from addiction. hope and healing comes from practicing the twelve steps.

- new sobriety tracking method. just like in personal fitness if we get so fixated on just a single number: like how much i weigh, we can be blind to all the other areas of progress that we might be gaining results in like strength, endurance, body measurements and body composition. just as the number on the scale doesn't tell the whole story of my health and fitness, in a similar way, the streak of days since my last slip doesn't necessarily give an accurate representation of my progress in recovery. i feel it places too much an emphasis on when was the last slip and unneeded pressure to not slip because if you do you have to start all over again at zero. there is no restart button in this life, its all about continual progression. once i'm getting months under my belt then maybe i'll go back to that method, but for now i'm going to test if tracking my sobriety by how many days this month have i been sober will be a more positive and motivating method for tracking my sobriety.

- this week was just like the week of step 3. this i exactly what i want. i want the change of heart, i'm trying to let go of my addiction. the fear and doubt that contribute to the negative feelings that trigger me acting out on my addiction are directly in opposition to the truths and hope that i can read and learn and gain a testimony about in my daily studies.

- addiction begins in the mind and heart and this is where healing must begin also.

- it all takes time. time. marinate in the gospel. parable of the pickle by elder bednar. constant and consistent effort is the only way to get true and lasting results

- lehi's vision. he was following an angel of the lord in complete darkness for hours. it wasn't until he prayed and sought out the Lord that the vision was then opened up to him. he was a prophet and was having a vision and was following an angel and even then we was still encircled about by darkness for hours. seek christ.

- as a man, i feel the need to be strong. for whatever reason i've been conditioned to feel that my emotions are weakness. i use my addiction to cover and escape my emotions, but my emotions and expresing them and feeling my emotions isn't weakness. humility is power and strength under control. the more humble i am the stronger i am and i can humbly feel and experience the highs and lows that come from my emotions and still stand strong and still be a worthy priesthood holder and still be the true definition of a man.

- alcoholics completely avoid going into bars. what are my online "bars" that i let myself be fooled into entering thiking i'll be safe? don't enter those "bars"!

- i literally need the Savior's help ALL the time. unfortunately its usually only in our trials and our hardships that we recognize that need for Him.

- Satan has counterfeits for every spiritual gift and blessing. remember my convo with my cousin this last weekend in cali about the gifts of the spirit and Moses vs. the pharaoh's priests.

- abstinence can make my other weaknesses more prevalent. this is a good thing.

- just like breakfast doesn't fuel my body throughout the entire day, so must i constantly seek spiritual nourishment throughout the day.

- a lactose intolerant person cannot eat dairy and be at their healthiest. but simply avoiding dairy while still eating junk food and drinking pop will not help them be healthy either

- control what i can control and hand everything else over to God's care. and submit everything i can control to align with God's will, and then do all i can to carry out His will.

- book to read: healing the shame that binds you.

- even tho she's no longer with me she's still a huge part of who i've become and i hope to one day celebrate with my her in the celestial kingdom for the role she played in my life. i hope i can have that desire/motivation/perspective for everyone that has/is/will be a part of my life.

pioneer spirit

yesterday we celebrated Pioneer Day here in Utah and i started the holiday by running in my first 5K which happened to be the first annual Temple to Temple 5K. as the temple and pioneers were the setting for this run, the focus was on family history and they suggested running for an ancestor. my mom's side of the family has a rich pioneer heritage and i enjoyed the chance to feel a connection with the pioneers and learn more about my ancestors in keeping with the spirit of the run.

the first presidency message was also on pioneers and having the pioneer spirit. one part of that talk stood out to me.

"The unsatisfied yearnings of the soul will not be met by a never-ending quest for joy amidst the thrills of sensation and vice."

this what my addiction tries to cheat me to believe, that i can satisfy my feelings or that i can escape from those feelings. it will never satisfy the yearnings of my soul. the only things that can satisfy my yearnings are truth and light and love.

i yearn to be in a relationship progressing towards a temple marriage and when the time is right to be married and start a family
i yearn to exercise my priesthood in blessing the lives of others
i yearn to finish school, get my degree and find a fulfilling career that will allow me to provide for a family
i yearn to be a better friend
i yearn recover from this addiction and be a support to help others recover
i yearn to replace my criticism with better expressing my love and appreciation
i yearn to be a better disciple of Jesus Christ

i also recently 'liked' all the first presidency and quorum of the twelve apostles facebook profiles as well as the official LDS and mormon.org profiles. if you have a facebook and haven't liked their pages yet i highly recommend it.

the mormon.org profile had a message relating to the pioneer spirit that i really enjoyed.

"True change often involves blazing new trails and entering new and unfamiliar territory.Although it can initially be uncomfortable, pioneering uncharted territory by creating life-changing habits can make you feel more fulfilled as a person.
In your quest for personal improvement, never give up hope. Keep moving in the right direction, and God will bless your righteous efforts."

i love that it relates being pioneers to making the lifestyle changes in our habits to bring our lives more in harmony with the principles of the gospel and that is what i feel recovery is all about. it's about recognizing that change is possible and making efforts to create our life and develop habits in harmony with the teachings of the gospel. and there is no righteous effort that God does not recognize. yes change is hard, and yes it will be uncomfortable, but oh will it be worth it! 

the dictionary defines a pioneer as "one who goes before to prepare or open up the way for others to follow". the pioneers weren't just the first group of saints to enter the salt lake region because being a pioneer isn't about being the first. being a pioneer is about taking the journey. every single person who endured the trials and hardships and sufferings and losses and struggles to travel west qualified themselves as pioneers because they went through that trial and endured the journey and prepared the way for others. how much stronger was the faith and deeper the conversion of those early saints who made that trek.

whether you're the only member of the church in your family or if all your ancestors have been members since the church was founded, we can still be pioneers today as we seek to keep that pioneer spirit by choosing to commit ourselves to making the journey, to pattern our lives after the Saviors, to make and keep sacred covenants and to continually travel along the road of recovery so that we might help to make the trail safe for those who will follow us.

love will find me

heard this song on the way to church this morning



2nd verse i connected with the most
love will find me

todays lesson in sunday school was about trials and how because of how much God loves us he tries and tests us and allows us to pass through sorrow so that we can learn and grow... pretty fitting for what i'm currently going through.

from But for a Small Moment -
"If God chooses to teach us the things we most need to learn because he loves us, and if he seeks to tame our souls and gentle us in the way we most need to be tamed and most need to be gentled, it follows that he will customize the challenges he gives us and individualize them so that we will be prepared for life in a better world by his refusal to take us out of this world, even though we are not of it. In the eternal ecology of things we must pray, therefore, not that things be taken from us, but that God's will be accomplished through us."

God then doesn't always cause the trials and suffering we go through perhaps as often as He allows us to go through them. and the truth is most of my suffering has come as a result of my own sins, but that suffering can work for my good if i allow it to by continuing to repent, recover and be obedient to my covenants and responsibilities.

its not that He necessarily caused me to fall in love with someone who would end up leaving me or that he wanted me to go through this extremely emotional loss of our relationship or that it was His intention for me to erroneously believe that we loved each other enough to keep working towards being sealed in the temple for time and all eternity. 

it's because of his perfect love for me that He allows me to be tried and tested and for burdens to be placed upon my shoulders. He allows me to go through all of these difficult experiences, whether by His design or due to my own self imposed suffering, that through these experiences i can develop the abilities i need to develop and into the man he would have me develop so that one day, through my faithfulness, i can become as He is.

with His perfect love, 
with His infinite knowledge, 
with His eternal perspective, 
He has designed a perfectly personal plan for me that is better than anything i could ever choose for myself and it is merely my responsibility while here on earth to be obedient and submit to His will and not mine own. 

a true and real and loving and lasting relationship will find me.

feeling exercise

my goal for today was to allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable; to not suppress any feelings but to feel them as deeply as strongly as they wanted to manifest themselves in me and to finally allow myself to fully feel experience and grieve the loss of my relationship.

this involved a lot of crying and praying and crying
(crying headaches are the worst)

i hate that i've allowed this addiction to have so much of an effect on my life and how it's affected the lives of those closest to me.
i hate the pain the hurt the anguish the anxiety, all the negative feelings that i've been the cause of in the people i want to love the most...

ive spent so much time hurting those closest to me because of my selfishness, my insecurities, my insensitivity, my not wanting to take responsibility and wanting to escape my feelings.

i am so so very sorry. so much so i feel inadequate to express it with words

i wish i could go back and change it all

but i know i can't

the only thing i can do is repent, ask for forgiveness and go to work on becoming the man God intends for me to be

i know that i am incapable of taking away the hurt 
i know i can't heal the pain
but i have faith in Jesus Christ and in His atonement and i can only pray that as i become a better disciple of Him who is the only One with the power to heal, i can be made an instrument in His hands:
that where i once cut down i can help to lift and strengthen
that where i once caused pain i can help bring peace
that where i once caused hurt i can help to feel healing
that where i once caused fear and doubt i can help to find faith and hope
that by my actions i can exemplify His life and His teachings and bless the lives of all those with whom i associate

But For a Small Moment

new favorite talk
theres so much in here
maybe later i'll annotate some of my favorite parts
but i just wanted to get it out there.
enjoi

given by Elder Neal A. Maxwell at a BYU fireside in 1974

black hole

things that make me happy:
exercise
health
sun
water
outdoors
family
church activity and temple work
being in love and in a relationship

the void from the absence of the last one however seems to be a black hole trapping and keeping any happiness i might gain from the others from reaching me.

with where i'm at emotionally im just not ready to replace or fill that void with anyone else because i'm still in love and want to be with d.

(this is where this post applies to recovery) i recognize that with how i'm feeling if i were to seriously date anyone else right now it would be more of a means to replace/cover/ignore/mask/hide/suppress my feelings and emotions for d. as opposed to a genuine desire to date. maybe that will change in the next day, a week, a month, i don't know. but i do know that right now i'd rather suffer being single and working through and learning from this experience what Heavenly Father wants me to gain and learn than to use or lead on one of His precious daughters as a selfish means of looking for a way out.

i don't know what to do
even tho i was surrounded by family i felt alone
i try to act like i'm happy, but i'm really not
i'm trying to keep it all together but i don't know how
everyone tells me i should move on but i can't seem to let go and i know its because deep down theres a part of me that doesn't want to.

UPDATE:

nothing is as bad as satan would have us believe.

i realize a lot of my fear and depression and doubt and anxiety are a result of my recent slip and can be overcome by refocusing my faith and hope in the Savior.

He won't necessarily take away everything i'm feeling or the burdens that weigh me down, but he can and will strengthen me that they may seem light as i seek His divine help.

if we never get back together i'm still in a much better place and a much better man than who i was before we met. d. has made a significant and permanent impression on my life that i will always be grateful for.

i know Heavenly Father has a great work for me to do during my time here on this earth and as i'm faithful he will prepare the way for me to accomplish that which he has planned for me to do.

suppressed

i'm looking for a distraction
something to keep my mind occupied
something to take my attention away from what i'm feeling
writing has become my therapy.
so i write.
and for better or for worse i'm not really making much effort to censor it.

i do feel like i probably shouldn't share such raw emotions in this setting because it might have an affect on d. and i don't want to do anything that might negatively affect her even tho she made the choice to no longer be an intimate part of my life.

but then i begin to question if maybe i'm writing this is out of some subconscious ulterior motive because i know that she might read it and maybe it could effect some change...

but then i think about the midnight texts she sent me the last week saying how everything she did reminded her of me and that she was remembering the good times of our relationship... all the while she was with her new boy on a vacation back to visit her home. and then i think about the emotional roller-coaster i went on from reading those texts and not being able to control the excited feelings of hope that immediately came, only to later re-read the texts and realize she made it a point to correct what she had sent me to say she really only missed the daily friendship and that could be replaced with time. 

dissed.

and then i think about how that resulted in absolutely no change no effort no nothing from her but that i was still alone and made perfectly aware again of the void still in me and having to fight back against all these strong emotions i have for her that had escaped. and it also helped me to realize that even a month later she still has a lot more of an affect on me than i'd like to admit.

but then i think about everything i said and did and tried for another chance at "us" and how i got shut down at every effort and that none of that made any change so her reading this emotionally vulnerable blog post really won't change anything either. in fact i'd guess it might even give her a lil more confidence in the decision to leave and move on to the next guy 'cause why would you want to be with someone with all my problems and who's this distraught... heh heh... efffff...

lose/lose...

also why is it that every time i tell someone we broke up their follow up question is always "is it permanent?" what does that even mean?! i just told you she broke up with me, that i tried to do everything i could think of for another chance to work it out, and that she's already seriously dating someone else... what part of any of that hints at the possibility of her making any sort of effort for us to get back together?!

i gotta find a way to put myself in more win/win situations.

needless to say i'm feeling a lot of mixed emotions and they have me pretty confused about what to do.

*deep breath*

i'm addicted to reacting to my emotions. 

i know that this is one of my weaknesses because reacting to stimulus without consciously choosing my actions has lead to an irresponsible and non-proactive lifestyle. through my upbringing/life's circumstances/being male/whatever the reason i've been conditioned to suppress and hide my feelings; which is something i'm not very good at. and acting out on my addiction has almost always been to not feel. even tho d.'s still literally on my mind everyday no matter what i'm doing or who i'm with, i'm in this extremely uncomfortable position now where i need to suppress and stop having all these strong feelings for her because not only is she not with me, but she's with someone else. the problem lies in the fact that at the same time i feel this need to suppress any and all feelings for her i know that i shouldn't try and suppress my feelings because then i'm just giving in to the addictive habit of not feeling.

i'm supposed to feel! 

God made me to feel and he made ME to feel very strongly and deeply.

there is a bright side. as i've continued to work recovery, i've learned a lot more about myself and i've come to appreciate my emotions as one of my greatest strengths. because i have such strong emotions and feel so deeply, i am able to be more ambitious more driven more motivated and more passionate than i would ever be without them. yes, allowing myself to feel so strongly can leave me vulnerable, but its my strong emotions and feelings and passions that make me uniquely me.

through practice i've become better at acting proactively on my feelings and giving myself more time to make choices for what i want in the future and not simply reacting to a stimulus now.

The Work of Salvation

one of my brothers just got home from his 2 year mission in brazil. i was lucky enough to come home to WA to be here for it. it's really been a great experience to be here with all of my brothers and family. as he was getting released, i thought about how much his service in the mission field might have had an affect on the experiences that i've been blessed to go through these last couple of years.

when my dad spoke he talked about some of the trials my brother wrote about in his emails and mentioned our newly adopted family motto which is a quote from Joseph B. Wirthlin: 

"Come what may and love it." 

we don't have control over what difficulties/trials/hardships we are faced with, but we do have control over our attitudes and that is where we can find true happiness. 

during the worldwide missionary broadcast The Work of Salvation there was a quote from President Joseph Fielding Smith: 

"To save the souls of those who have strayed from the fold is just as worthy and commendable and causes just as much rejoicing in heaven as to save souls in far away parts of the earth."

brazil is definitely a far away part of the earth and he was blessed with the opportunity to be an instrument in the hands of the Lord to bring many people to the light and knowledge of the restored gospel. i then thought about how many people are affected by this addiction, how many of us there are that feel trapped and in bondage from the sin and guilt and hurt and pain and fear and doubt that this problem creates and how many there are that go to just my local ARP meetings. i don't have to go far to find many who have strayed from the fold (myself included). then the realization came to me that made this quote my new favorite quote for recovery:

recovery is missionary work!

i get to share my personal experiences, what works for me and what doesn't. i get to testify of the principles of the restored gospel and of Heavenly Father and of His son Jesus Christ. i get to test and practice and live what i study and learn for myself and i am blessed to receive inspiration and promptings from the Holy Ghost as i seek more light and knowledge on how to overcome this addiction. i've been blessed with the opportunity to be a missionary all the days of my life because i am committed to working recovery all the days of my life and recovery is missionary work. for this i am grateful because we all know how much the Lord blesses His missionaries!

one of those promised blessings was given by an apostle of the Lord, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland during this broadcast: 

"As you act upon the direction you will be given... you will feel Him guiding you and lifting you and directing you to do that which on your own is far beyond your capacity, but that with Him is always possible."

i of myself am powerless to overcome this addiction, but with Him there is nothing i can't do. as i continue to work and travel along this path of recovery i can be His missionary and an instrument in His hands to be there to lift up others who are in need of help finding the way back to Him. 

Fight The New Drug

was feeling a little BLASTD today (really just bored and lonely) and have spent the last hour cleaning my room, doing my laundry and reading recovery blogs.

proactivity is the best way to overcome the urges because if you wait to react, it means you're already being acted upon you.

i do want to just say thank you to all of you who write and are open and honest in your struggles and share your victories and your failures and how motivating your stories are for me to continue my fight in this war. during my readings i came across a website Fight The New Drug.

on their homepage they had this intro video:



loved it. the website has a blog and other content about fighting this new drug that im excited to read. i also kind of really like that its not a religious website because it helps to open up my perspective that this drug that is pornography affects a lot more aspects of our lives than just our spirituality and affects a lot more people than just us in the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. one of the things i really liked was there was this pledge you can sign and it echoed a lot of the values i have. you can find it on the website but i wanted to share it here.

I AM STRONG I have joined an army of supporters and will rely on their strength as well as my own to adopt a new shouldering of obligation in helping others understand how pornography is affecting their lives.
I AM OPEN MINDED I recognize that mine is not the only opinion. I will respect other's points of views just as i expect them to do the same towards me.
I AM BOLD I am not afraid to speak openly about the effects of pornography. 
I AM ENCOURAGING I will not turn my back on those that need my help. I will commit to helping them overcome the effects of pornography. 
I AM UNDERSTANDING I am away of the difficulty some may face ridding their lives of pornography. Rather than condemning actions I will help relieve shame. 
I AM REAL I do not pursue false imitations or masked presentations. I am confident enough in myself to be genuine. 
I AM ACCEPTING I know that judging other's actions is not my place. I will respectfully promote my opinions but in the end allow others to choose for themselves. 
I AM A TRUE LOVER I seek real relationships and shun their hollow counterfeits. 
I AM REBEL I refuse to follow the status quo. I will do what needs to be done and say what needs to be said regardless of what is popular. 
I AM SEXY There is nothing more sexy than two committed individuals together. I will not be that lone ranger looking for love from behind the computer screen.
I AM A FIGHTER

we're all in this together! we are never alone! our efforts to be in recovery from this addiction in our own lives and our efforts to help others fight this new drug CAN and DOES make a difference. 

there is no wasted effort in this fight against pornography.